122. We're Not Fighting Anymore, But We're Not Connecting Either
Meet the Host
Five years ago, after achieving my degrees and teaching as a professor, I was feeling proud that I had checked everything off my life list. But, I wasn’t satisfied in my marriage.
Today, I’m a relationship coach on a mission to resurrect the side of you that got lost in your marriage. Millions of people around the world soak up my content for advice on how to have a more satisfying relationship.
Are you and your partner at the “roommate stage"? This is what many people call the situation when you rarely argue, but you’re just not really connecting.
In this episode, I explain what might be going on in your relationship and why this can become an even bigger issue.
I also share the specific actions you need to take, step by step, in order to heal your marriage and bring back the connection you both once had.
Click the link to listen, and let me know what you think - I’d love to hear from you!
If this episode hits home and you’re ready to work with me, book a call so we can chat. On the call, you’ll share what’s going on, what you’ve tried, and I’ll share how I can help. Can’t wait to connect!
P.S. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp®. Get professional support at a fraction of the cost of in-person therapy. Sign up today and get 10% off your first month - click the link to get started!
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Episode Transcript:
Karina: Amigos, welcome back to the Relationship Reset with me, your host, Karina F. Daves relationship expert, speaker and host of this dope podcast. So this week we have our episode called, we're not fighting anymore, but we're also not connecting. And so this is for you if you're at the stage where many call the roommate stage or we just rarely argue, we're pretty content where we are, but we're also not doing the opposite, right? We're not connecting as much. We're not in this lovey-dovey space. We've been married for a significant amount of time or we've been married for a couple of years and we're not fighting, but we're also not connecting.
So what this looks like is the space where y'all are in, let bygones be bygones, right? You agree to disagree. And what I call this is fake forgiveness. This is where you know that it's right to have empathy. You know that it's right to have grace. You know that it's right to forgive each other, but you're not going about it the right way, which is why I call it fake forgiveness. And what that looks like are three key factors.
Number one is you just don't want to argue. You don't have the energy. You don't have the capacity. You do not want to get into it with your partner and you are tired, but you lack tools to even argue or have a conversation. Many relationship experts will tell you that arguing is not a problem. It's the tools that you use to resolve that conflict that when you lack become the problem.
The second thing that is happening when you're not fighting anymore, but you're also not connecting is you don't actually don't like each other. And I know what you're thinking, but I love them so much. I'm with them, ain't I? Yeah, but you don't like them as an individual. You don't like their tone. You don't like their delivery. You don't like the way they handle things. And so what you end up doing is what I call professional avoiders. And you just avoid each other, right? You don't actually lead to any action. And in the heart of it, you have this unconscious bias against your partner.
For example, I had a client who is in an open marriage and throughout the years, his wife went against the rules of their open marriage. And during this time, he felt like she would constantly take advantage of him. And even though some of that was true, there were times where technically she wasn't necessarily doing that. And it was difficult for her to get her point across because he had already this unconscious bias that she was X person. And in most cases, he stopped liking her. He loved her. He had a lot of appreciation for her, but he stopped liking her as a person and became content with their relationship. And in essence became very sad by the time when he started working with me.
The third thing is that you are content in your marriage, right? When you're in a relationship where we're not fighting anymore, but we're also not connecting. That is a huge sign that you're content. And if you'll allow me, I have some notes I wrote here. When you are content, I want you to know that contentment always meets temptation. I'm going to say that again, because I think you know where I'm going with this. Contentment will always meet temptation. Anybody that has ever felt content in their marriage will always face temptation at some point or another. Not only will they meet temptation, but when they do meet temptation, that contentment will also have a big suitcase of unresolved issues. And then the temptation becomes an escape. The temptation becomes their happy place. The temptation becomes their cornerstone, what they then unconsciously or consciously end up creating a soul tie with when they're currently in one. You understand? It's not right. And so please understand that I am not condoning this behavior, but I am telling you what happens. A lot of people will not do that.
And so if right now you're in a marriage where you don't argue, but you don't connect as well, I need for you to do these three things. The first step, I've talked about this before in my series, Spring Clean Your Relationship. So it's a rendition of that. The first step that I want you to do is this process is going to be one where you're gonna lay everything out on the table. Because in order to heal your marriage and bring back the connection you both once had, you're going to have to lay it all out. And a part of you is going to think, I don't know if I can do this. We're talking 20 years. We're talking 15 years. That's a lot of time. That's a lot of things to be going through with someone. It doesn't have to be that. The first step is asking the question, do you still want to do life with me? Not do you still love me? Because of course they do. It's do you still want to do life with me? It's a much different question and yields a much different answer.
The second question that you're going to ask is are our values still aligned? What do you value now 10 years later versus what I value now 10 years later? Okay.
The third thing you're going to do is you're going to say, all right, well, here we are. Can we agree on one goal for this marriage? Not in five years, not in three years, not for our portfolio, but for us that we can achieve by next month. You need to be able to see ma'am or sir, whoever is listening, if this relationship still has a shot at being able to follow through, because following through and having the skill of follow through is going to be the very skill necessary to get this marriage back to a stable place.
The last thing you're going to do and the hardest but necessary, and maybe it's only for stubborn people like me that it's the hardest, is you are going to ask your partner straight up, tell me about myself. With no rebuttal, with no offense, and with no excuses, and I'm serious about this, you need to be able, whether it's right or wrong, but understanding that you trust your partner, this is somebody that you sleep with that night, you need to ask your partner to tell you about yourself. It is the most uncomfortable thing, but absolutely necessary. When you have these four things intact is only when you can make the decision of we're ready to connect. We have now built the tools to connect. What's next? You understand me?
If right now y'all are struggling where it's like this invisible struggle where you're not fighting, but you're also not connecting, you haven't been intimate in weeks, ⁓ you basically have become marriage managers, you need to work with me, okay? I want you to go to the link in my bio on either Instagram or go to my website, Karina F. Daves and book a call so we can talk about everything that's happened so far, what you tried and how I can help.
I promise that all my episodes are short, sweet, and to the point, because nobody has time like that anymore. ⁓ And I hope that this helped. So let me pray for you, okay?
Father God, I thank you so much for this time together. I thank you so much for this day, and I thank you for the ability that you have given us to steward one another. I know that sometimes it's difficult when...Two parties in a relationship feel like leaders and it's difficult to follow one another as well, because you also don't want to feel like you have no say. And so Lord, for anybody that's listening right now, would you just allow them to see each other as partners rather than competitors? Partners rather than competitors. Thank you, Jesus. We love you so much. In your name we pray, amen.
Okay, my name is Karina F. Daves. I am a relationship expert, speaker and podcast host of this dope podcast, Relationship Reset.
I love you so much and can't wait to talk to you next week. All right, bye.
