123. I Still Don't Know the Whole Story & It's Driving Me Crazy
Meet the Host
Five years ago, after achieving my degrees and teaching as a professor, I was feeling proud that I had checked everything off my life list. But, I wasn’t satisfied in my marriage.
Today, I’m a relationship coach on a mission to resurrect the side of you that got lost in your marriage. Millions of people around the world soak up my content for advice on how to have a more satisfying relationship.
If you have been betrayed by your partner, and you are going crazy because you don’t have the entire story, this episode is for you.
I explain the reasons why this is driving you crazy, and how you can reframe the situation to move forward.
Learn why rehashing the details of the betrayal won’t fix your relationship, and what you need to do to heal you both as partners instead.
Click the link to listen, and let me know what you think - I’d love to hear from you!
If this episode hits home and you’re ready to work with me, book a call so we can chat. On the call, you’ll share what’s going on, what you’ve tried, and I’ll share how I can help. Can’t wait to connect!
P.S. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp®. Get professional support at a fraction of the cost of in-person therapy. Sign up today and get 10% off your first month - click the link to get started!
BetterHelp: https://betterhelp.com/karinafdaves
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/karinafdaves/
Tik Tok: https://www.tiktok.com/@karinafdaves
Personal Website: https://www.karinafdaves.com
Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCqlt...
Amazon Storefront: https://www.amazon.com/shop/karinafdaves
Episode Transcript:
Karina: Amigos, welcome back to the Relationship Reset with me, your host, Karina F. Daves relationship expert, speaker, and the host of this dope podcast. Today's episode is called, I Still Don't Know the Whole Story and it is Driving Me Crazy.
Now this episode would be primarily for those whose partners have stepped out on them. Now when I say step out, it doesn't always mean cheating or an affair. It can mean disloyalment by withholding financial decisions. It can mean having a emotional affair. It can mean ⁓ crossing the line in certain situations. You can step out on your partner without needing to have sex or kiss somebody else. There are many ways to feel betrayal. And so this episode is for partners that right now feel like they know that their partner stepped out on them. They don't have the entire story and it's driving them crazy. And so I'm going to walk you through why it's driving you crazy in hopes of it just being 10 minutes. OK, my hope is always that our episodes are anywhere between 10 to 15 minutes because I know that you've got places to go, but you got a problem to solve and I'm going to help you solve it. OK, so here we go.
The reason why a part of you feels crazy for not knowing the whole story is because you are chasing the why. You are chasing the why did they do this? The how could they do this? The I don't understand. And I know what you're thinking. No, Karina, I just need some more details. Let me tell you something and I'll explain it more as we get along in the episode. No matter how many details you learn about this incident, it's still going to drive you crazy because you are trying to understand why your partner did something. And I'm telling you right now that you will never understand why someone did something that you wouldn't do yourself.
You can never understand the actions or lack of actions of somebody important in your life if it's not something that you yourself wouldn't do. It's like trying to understand how can people not love chocolate? It's so good. Like, and you're driving yourself crazy. You're driving yourself crazy because you're trying to understand the why. And no matter how many therapy sessions y'all go through, no matter how many conversations you have, it's going to be difficult for you to arrive to 100% understanding of something that you would never do. It takes an extreme amount of discernment, empathy, and transparency to even step into that place for a second. Okay? I say that because I've been in a shoe where I've needed and wanted to understand my husband's feelings as a man in this world. And no matter how hard I try, it's difficult because I'm not a man. And it took me a while to realize that. But if your partner cheated on you and you ain't a cheater, ain't no way yet that you're going to understand why they cheated.
Number two. The reason why this is driving you crazy is because you're a detail oriented type of person. You need to know at 5:37 on the 15th of April, this happens. And then three days later we had sex. And then two days after that, he got a message like you need to understand this entire story as if it were a book that you were reading or a Netflix episode that you were binging. That's not what this is. This is your life. And so the detail oriented part of you, it will give you some temporary comfort, but it won't heal you or this relationship. You understand?
The third reason why this is driving you crazy, and this is gonna be difficult for you to hear, but this is only if you're choosing to stay. Or if you're choosing to move on and build something nicer and bigger or whatever it is that you want to call it. You cannot heal or fix a relationship if you continuously remain in the victim mentality.
I'm gonna explain myself because I want you to know that I choose my words very carefully. And when I started this work ⁓ and honing down specifically on rebuilding from partners stepping out on each other, I was hesitant because I think that there are many things as a relationship expert that are difficult to share publicly. I can share them in sessions, but for me, even as somebody that has no problem going online and creating content for many. I find that the pain of cheating is different. It's that of grief. It can feel as close as if somebody close to you ⁓ died. And so again, you feel crazy because you're trying to fix something while remaining in the victim mentality, which is why me? Why now? I can't believe it. This doesn't make sense. I don't know what to do. Those are a lot of very valid initial feelings that you will have.
But in order to heal this relationship, in order to heal you and you both as partners, you're going to have to step out of that mentality and into one that has much more discernment. But also what people miss a lot is a heavy sense of conviction. What do I mean by that? Is being able to look back at the timeline of events and look at your part as well. And so when my clients work with me, this is the first step that we do. It's part of my HEAL framework. HEAL is hear what really happened. E is established accountability. A is align your new normal. And L is let's be partners again. And plenty of times the cheating happens and you wanna race through, you wanna go straight to accountability and then you wanna go straight to ⁓ being partners again.
A lot of people miss alignment and hearing what really happened. Hearing what really happened isn't hearing what really happened all about the cheating and the affair. Hearing what really happened is a timeline of our love. Cause somewhere there were some gaps. Can we take a look? Can we figure out what happened? ⁓ shoot, I forgot. I did have a baby during that time. We did have a baby. shoot, I forgot. You got laid off. Your mother died. I found out that I was being, I don't know, promoted at work, whatever the case is. We block out so many things that hearing what really happened in this relationship that led up to this affair is extremely vital. What you want right now is answers. And you're not going to get the answers that you need to move this relationship forward if you continuously focus on the details that don't matter. If you continuously try to uncover and peel back the onion as to their reasoning and their purpose, or if three, you stay in that victim mentality. You understand me?
If right now you feel crazy, you don't know what's going on, you don't know the whole story, we need to work together. Okay, go to link in my bio, book a call on Instagram or on TikTok or go to my website, karinafdaves.com, book a call so we can talk about everything that's happened so far, what you tried and how I can help. All right, listen, let me pray for you.
Father God, I thank you so much for this revelation. God, I thank you for being God. And I just ask that you remind us that nobody else is God but you. think plenty of times we can get caught up in playing God and wanting to control situations. And a lot of it is not necessarily because we're this crazy controlling evil person, but because genuinely we're hurt. We're just hurt. We've been hurt. Now we've been hurt again. And we're trying not to get hurt again. And so what we do is we control the narrative. We control the people in our lives or we try to. And we're sorry for that. I just pray that right now you would put a heavy on people's hearts. ⁓ That the person that knows the entire story is you. And sometimes that's all that matters. And I would ask that you please guide us through these difficult stories that sometimes where there's gaps, we feel like lost. Would you guide us through this relationship? Who's ever listening right now? In Jesus name, amen.
Okay, listen, if you love this episode, please make sure to leave me an Apple review ⁓ or send me a DM on Instagram or TikTok. Tell me what you thought of this episode. And I can't wait to see you again next week.
My name is Karina F. Daves. I'm a relationship expert, speaker, and the podcast host of this dope podcast, the Relationship Reset. All right. See you later. Ciao.
