121. They apologized. So why don't you feel better?
Meet the Host
Five years ago, after achieving my degrees and teaching as a professor, I was feeling proud that I had checked everything off my life list. But, I wasn’t satisfied in my marriage.
Today, I’m a relationship coach on a mission to resurrect the side of you that got lost in your marriage. Millions of people around the world soak up my content for advice on how to have a more satisfying relationship.
Let’s talk about when they apologized, but you still don’t feel better.
If you are going through a rough time in your relationship, and you were betrayed, it may feel like no matter how many times they say “I’m sorry” it isn’t enough.
In this episode, I tell you why even though they apologized, which is what you wanted, you still don’t feel better.
I share the questions you need to ask yourself to create an accountability blueprint to help you and your partner heal and strengthen your relationship.
Click the link to listen, and let me know what you think - I’d love to hear from you!
If this episode hits home and you’re ready to work with me, book a call so we can chat. On the call, you’ll share what’s going on, what you’ve tried, and I’ll share how I can help. Can’t wait to connect!
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Episode Transcript:
Karina: Amigos, welcome back to the Relationship Reset Podcast with me, your host, Karina F. Daves, relationship expert, speaker, and host of this dope podcast. Today, we are going to talk about how they apologized, but you still don't feel better. This episode is for you if you have ever or are currently going through a rough time in your relationship and your marriage and you feel like you were betrayed or your partner has lost trust, lost your trust, and no matter how many times they say they're sorry, it's not enough for you and you don't feel better. Even though it was the very thing you wanted, you don't feel better. And on this episode, I'm going to tell you exactly why.
As you know, our episodes are straight and to the point. And recently we made the change from the Relationships. You Understand? podcast to the Relationship Reset podcast in order to teach and share different frameworks, methodologies and counsel on how to repair your relationship. So let's talk about it.
Your partner said that they were sorry. They might have even cried. And I'm not saying that to be funny. I'm saying that they pour their heart out. They apologize profusely. They said that they would do anything at all costs. And every single day they said they're sorry and it still is not enough for you. You still feel very stuck, very bitter, or most of us can start to feel numb, right?
I had a client who I was working with, her and her husband had a $17 million business and he stepped out about a decade ago with a close friend slash you would say family member, kind of like a sister to her. And he didn't come out with the affair that he had till almost a decade into their marriage. He felt extremely guilty about holding it in. And so he decided to share it with her. And that's when we started working together. And she said, you know, I don't want to get a divorce. I really want to repair my marriage. And so interestingly enough, their repair period didn't take that long. I would say about maybe two and a half months. But then their bigger marital issues started to creep up. As you can imagine running a multi-million dollar business, you are very strapped for time, especially if you to have a family and they do. And there was a lot of feelings around the fact that their company, their business had overtaken their lives and then everything was about the business. I mean every single conversation was about the business, every single pillow talk was about the business, everything was about the business and she felt like she was invisible and that her needs outside of the business didn't necessarily matter and so she started to feel very resentful. Now this is all while they have healed really from the infidelity.
And they had healed through it because he was very consistent about his apology and about showcasing to her that she could trust him again. But when it came to the other issues in their marriage in which she felt like he didn't make time for their relationship, he didn't follow through on the things that he said he would do for her, for the household, for their growing family, she just felt like, not only were his thoughts inconsistent, but so were was their marriage, right? And I would say that the reason why it's interesting she would go back and think about the affair or go back and think about other things is because the hurt started to grow and it started to linger. And that's because there was a big difference between the remorse that he felt for, you know, the things that she was asking him to do.
And also accountability. You see, I bring up this example because a lot of the times partners will apologize about the areas that they may not be following through in and the hurt will still linger. And that's because there lies a big difference between having remorse and taking accountability. You see, their I'm sorry is going to mean absolutely nothing to you after they say they're sorry, like the next day if there aren't any behavioral follow-throughs. So if today I step on your foot and I say, I'm so sorry for stepping on your foot and tomorrow I step on your foot or tomorrow, you know, I, I don't know, bump into you, whatever it is, if I continue the behavior that you are seeing that there are no behavioral changes, my bads, my I'm sorrys, my, you know, I apologize will mean absolutely nothing to you. And it's kind of around the surface of actions speak louder than words, right? When there is a genuine sign of accountability, you will feel less that their I'm sorry's or their my bad's are performative. And what I mean by that is that right now you feel like your partner's I'm sorry is a de facto, is what they say when they know that you've caught them again and not doing something or when they feel bad or something like it's very performative. It's kind of like they know the thing to say, but they don't know the thing to do or actually let me retract. They know the thing to say. they say it, they know the thing to do, but they don't follow through and do it. Does that make sense?
That is going to keep you both in this hamster wheel of remorse. Versus this deep remorse that they have versus them to accountability you can't heal With I'm sorry's you can only start to heal this relationship with consistency You understand and so for example, I had another couple in which he had Cheated on her over ten times over the they were together for 40 years 40 years is a long time, but no wait, was it 40 years? Wait, hold on, They were teenagers in their 50s. So I'm going to say almost 40 years or 30 something years. And he had cheated over 10 times with multiple people in the business with multiple administrators. Like he had just cheated a long time and every single time, you know, she would forgive him. But over the last time that she found out that he cheated, she was like, you know what? He's like, first of all, he's not even that remorseful. Like he does say, I'm sorry, but he doesn't take any accountability to make changes. And I have to start looking out for myself. And so the work that we started doing together was when one of the last tail ends of him cheating, and by the way, catching her cheat. So let me give you a quick synopsis into that. She had had an affair around the fourth or fifth time she had found out that he had cheated. Now, about six or seven years later, he finds out that she had an affair through just a conversation where he was like, I've hurt you so much. There's no way in heck that you haven't cheated on me. She was like, fine, I did. But it was like six, seven years ago. At that point, he then decides, you know what, I'm done with this relationship. You know, I want you out of my life and yada, yada, yada. So he moves out and that's when she starts working with me. And through our time together, she realized like, he did say he was sorry.
But he never took accountability for anything. He never had this genuine interest to stay consistent and instead blame me and called me the crazy one, which sometimes will happen when your partner apologizes and you don't feel any better. They'll tell you that you're crazy and you're not crazy. There's just no consistency behind their behavioral follow through. You understand? I want you to really understand what behavioral follow through is. It means that your partner genuinely understands not just what they did but what they need to do to move this relationship in the direction that is healthy, especially if you've decided to stay.
So the one thing I want you to ask yourself this week is what do I need to see, hear, or feel in this relationship in order to actually believe that they're sorry? When you can have a clear idea of what that looks like, that is called your accountability blueprint. When you do not have an accountability blueprint, this relationship will remain in a consistent, this is where it will be consistent, a consistent hamster wheel. You understand? That is the hamster wheel that I'm trying to get you out of. When you don't have clear expectations as to what it is that you need to see, feel or hear in this relationship in order to say, you know what, I believe that they've taken accountability. I believe that they are changing their behavioral behaviors and are following through. What does that look like? And now the tricky part is that when that happens, you need to stay on your ground and actually believe them because you're the one that set those expectations.
Plenty of times I've heard your clients have said, well, when they start to take the trash out, I'll feel really happy. And then their partners have to the trash out and they're like, well, they changed their minds. They changed their mind. You can't change your mind like that. Like that's not part of the person that's trying to follow through. It's confusing. Okay. So this week I want you to ask yourself, what is it that you need to see, or feel in order to actually believe that your partner is holding themselves accountable for, for betraying your trust. Okay.
And I want you to know if right now you're listening to this podcast and you are sick and tired of these fake cycles of honeymoon and healing and then now you're back to throw it in each other's face the fact that they stepped out 10 years ago and you are looking for real accountability and you're tired of the recycled apologies, you need to work with me. Okay, go to link in my bio on either Instagram or TikTok. My handle is Karina F as in Frank Daves and book a call so we can talk about everything that's happened so far, what you tried and how I can help. Okay, I wanna help you through this season.
I want to help you actually believe their apologies, okay, and their sincerity. All right, as always, I pray at the end of these, so let me pray for you.
Father God, I thank you so much for this day, and Heavenly Father, I just ask that those that can hear me right now understand that their partner is not within their control, that there is absolutely nothing that they can do in order to force their partners to remain accountable, that their partners are given the very free will that comes from their Father up in heaven which is you. And I thank you for that. Father God, I ask that you allow the spirit of control to leave us and allow us to surrender, but still hold all ground, still hold our ground and still make sure that the people that are around us are actually for us and that they're within the story that you are building for us. I pray that many of us right now be convicted of the people in our lives. And I'm not saying that we should prune everybody, but that we should feel conviction over the people that are no longer necessary, that their story is over with us right now. Jesus, I thank you so much. continue to ask for protection over our children, our hearts, our homes, our finances, and our relationships. I love you so much. In Jesus' name we pray, Amen. Okay.
Alright, listen, if you enjoyed this podcast episode, I want you to head over to Apple iTunes, leave me a review or visit my website, kareenafdaves.com and that's where I live. Okay, I love you so much and thank you so much for listening to the Relationship Reset Podcast. Alright, talk soon. Bye.
Would you, Father God, allow them to be in the presence of those with wisdom enough to figure out the cure for what's happening to them? Father God, would you also save our marriages, save our children, save our homes and save us ultimately as we may lay down, you give us the permission to lay all the burdens down on you. I love you so much, God. In your name we pray, amen. Okay, I love you so much. My name is Karina F. Daves. I'm a relationship expert, speaker and podcast host of this dope podcast. Come back for next week as we will wrap up the Through Thick and Thin Relationship Series. Okay. I love you. Bye.
