140. You Both Think You’re Right
Meet the Host
Five years ago, after achieving my degrees and teaching as a professor, I was feeling proud that I had checked everything off my life list. But, I wasn’t satisfied in my marriage.
Today, I’m a relationship coach on a mission to resurrect the side of you that got lost in your marriage. Millions of people around the world soak up my content for advice on how to have a more satisfying relationship.
We’ve all been there…arguing for 30 minutes and it feels like you’re in a courtroom. You both think you’re right and nothing is getting resolved.
But I’m here to tell you that when both of y’all think you’re right, both of y’all are missing the point. Because marriage isn’t a journey of who’s wrong and who’s right. It’s about taking the time to understand each other.
In this episode, I share what you can say the next time an argument starts that will allow curiosity to replace your ego.
I want to help you reset the conversation and find peace again. The reality is you’re not stuck because you can’t communicate, you’re stuck because you both want to be understood first.
Click the link to listen, and let me know what you think - I’d love to hear from you!
If this episode hits home and you’re ready to work with me, book a call so we can chat. On the call, you’ll share what’s going on, what you’ve tried, and I’ll share how I can help. Can’t wait to connect!
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Episode Transcript:
Karina: Amigos, welcome back to the Relationship Reset with me, your host, Karina F. Daves, marriage expert, speaker and host of this dope podcast.
This is a topic that I've been in the middle of, which is you both think you're right. Today we're going to talk about that key moment where you're in the kitchen, you've been arguing for 30 minutes and it feels like a courtroom. I've been there. I know you've been there. And I'm here to tell you that when you both think you're right, are absolutely both of y'all, not just one of y'all, both of y'all are missing the point.
Because the reality is that most of the time she will feel unheard. You understand? She is tired of having to repeat herself. She is tired of the reminders. And so she gets louder, right? And it's not to attack you, it's just to feel heard. And so plenty of times our arguments, and I'm just speaking for the wives, will go from zero to a hundred. And then the husbands will be like, why are you so loud? And it's because we just don't feel heard. And it just feels like if I'm not going to repeat myself, I might as well get louder. But what happens is that it comes off as an attack.
And for him, he's in this place where he feels completely dismissed. He feels like everything that he does is wrong. No matter how well, how many attempts, it's always missing the mark. There is no room for grace or for even any type of like, listen, I know you tried, next time can you try this way? Every single time he tries to explain himself, it sounds like he's in a courtroom with you. And so he shuts down.
I have a couple that I'm working with right now that had been married for 11 years, I believe they have children. They also have stepchildren. And their issue is that she doesn't feel safe or heard. And his issue is nothing that he does feels right. And so recently we did an activity that I do with my couples, which is I text both of them scenarios based on what I'm seeing as an opportunity to test their tools in live action. Because the reality is I can sit here and preach to you about all the tools and show you the tools. But if we don't mock them, if we don't act them out, if I don't give you the opportunity to do it live, If I don't stop you and tell you where you've gone left and how you need to go right, you'll never really catch on. It'll take much longer and you'll spend more time in your feelings than you will in the facts, okay?
And so I texted them both scenarios of, let me see if I can pull them up here really quick, actually. I texted them both scenarios which I'm going to read to you. For her, she needed to tell him when your tone changes or you sound frustrated, I immediately will shut down or feel the need to fight back even stronger. I no longer feel safe and don't know what to do in those moments. I can't read you. And I immediately go into protection mode. I don't want to be scared to bring things to you anymore. So now it's his job to practice holding space, practice validation, practice becoming curious and not offended and letting her know that he hears her, right?
And then for him, I texted him, tell her, I feel like our progress is slipping again. I get disappointed when it seems like we're not understanding each other. I want us to stay consistent, but I find it hard to stay on the same page.
So what was so interesting was that when she received what he said. She did very good in the beginning. She became curious. And then she just made the whole thing about how he's the problem and made it about herself. And it was great because we actually navigated through that frustration because he started to feel like I'm never enough. And, and she took it well. She said, where did I go wrong? And I said, before I answer, let's just call him Bob, Bob, you answer. And he said, when you made it all about you.
And it was this striking moment where she was like, okay, received. For her, when she shared how she felt, he did very well actually. He was very pensive and thoughtful and understood the assignment and told her that he hears her and that when he gets frustrated, he understands that it's wrong. It's something that he's actively working on and he is trying his best to create such a good ⁓ safe space.
Now it was fine. It was actually amazing when I, he hit all the points. He listened, he validated, he created the safe space. He wasn't dismissed if he did everything. And so for her, when the question came, so listen, he did everything. Is there anything that he missed? And she said, yes, his body language. And he just, you could see it. He just threw his hands up and he was like, ⁓ I can't get anything right. Even in a scenario. And it was an example of them twisting into that hamster wheel of being so focused on his body language and not acknowledging that he tried, which is what I said. Usually the husband will feel dismissed.
He will feel like every single time he tries to explain himself, it sounds like he's in a courtroom and that's not what we want. And so that's something that we needed to work through because she was very analytical about even the smallest things. And what I reminded them was that marriage isn't about perfection. It's about progress, right?
Y'all don't have communication issues in your marriage right now. And I'm talking to you. You have control issues. Both of you wanna be heard, but you don't know how to hear back. You don't know how to actively listen. You're actually at this point, you're not even arguing about how to solve anything. You're arguing on how to prove a point. And this is exactly what is costing you your peace in your marriage. Both of you stepping into the ring and attempting to prove your point, attempting to say, I'm right because of this. If, for example, because of his body language, it isn't, it isn't right. And it's like, and I share this with this couple. It's like, y'all don't have the ability to give your marriage the opportunity to magnify the good. You'll always magnify the bad.
And so one of the things that I want to offer you is that the next time it starts to get heated between you and your partner, I want you to start saying, help me understand what I'm missing. Help me understand what I'm missing. Help me understand what I'm not seeing. Help me understand what my ego is getting in the way of that sentence alone can end half of your arguments. It's exactly the point when curiosity replaces your ego. And I know it feels crazy. Like, I don't have an ego. You do. have an ego. Everybody has an ego. When your ego steps aside and curiosity is allowed in, you will begin to listen for meaning and no longer listening for the mistakes.
You ever get into an argument with your partner and all you're doing is you're actively listening, but the minute, but, you're not validating anything by the way, but the minute that they mess up and say Tuesday instead of Friday, you're like, wasn't Tuesday. That was Friday. And they're like, come on. I'm sorry. Right. It's because you're not listening for meaning. You're listening for mistakes. You're creating an invisible agenda that by the way is useless in your mind to be able to attack back. Okay.
You will never in your marriage fix what you refuse to take the time to understand. Never, never. And I know that you think you're a great listener, but you're not. This is not about figuring out who's right. Your marriage isn't a journey of who's wrong and who's right. It's about taking the time to understand, taking the time to understand the meaning, taking the time to understand the point of view, the perspective, the being in each other's right? Taking the time to understand what you're too busy defending.
I promise you, are spending a significant amount of time defending something instead of taking the time to just reset and say, all right, help me understand what I'm missing. Connect the dots for me, right? And it's not in some like, don't do it this way. Cause I've seen couples do it this way too, where they make their partner feel like a piece of crap and make them feel like they're idiots. Cause they can't explain themselves.
Don't you dare do that to each other. Okay. Don't you dare treat each other like children. All right. Or I wouldn't even want to treat my kids like that. Don't do that to each other. Take a step back and be vulnerable and say, Hey, to be honest with you, I'm having a really hard time understanding your point of view. And I'm spending way too much time trying to defend myself. Let's restart. Let's go for a walk, actually the kids are home. How about we just, I don't know, step aside, go wash our hands, do something and come back in five minutes. And I really want to hear what you mean. It doesn't always mean that I'm gonna agree, but I'm having a really hard time understanding your point of view, even if it's not something I would do. So, and I do, I do want to do that only because it will help me understand who you are as a person. And then two, it will help us figure out the next time. Right?
I'm trying to give you an example of my marriage really quickly, like about groceries or something. ⁓ okay. This is a good one. When we first got married, I'm a very, are you hungry type of partner? Kind of like, hey, do you want anything to eat? I'm picking something up for myself, yada, yada, yada, blah, blah, right?
My husband was not that type of person. He was hyper independent to the point where he would not call me, you know, or not ask me if I was hungry. And we, I remember getting into tips about that and he would say to me, like, you know, he would try in the beginning to say to me, I'm just not used to this. And I would be like, what the heck do you mean? How you decided to say, I do two weeks ago, yada, yada, yada, right? Mind you. We did get married four months after dating. We married for 13 years. It was just such a long time for me. Anyways, so I remember having a discussion with him and just being like, all right, say that again. Cause it's not something I would do. And he says, I know. And I remember him saying, you're perfect. Right. I got so pissed off and I'd like, no, it's just the right thing to do. And, and my husband would plead for time and he would say, Just give me time. And I remember in that moment really starting to watch my husband when he would argue with me about why he did what he did. It wasn't as if he was putting his foot down that this would continue for the rest of our life. It was just an explanation. And when I started to see him in that light and realize that he was just explaining himself and that I took his explanation as a forever tattoo, everything changed. I started to realize, okay, he is this person and he is open to changing, right? And mind you, let's just say 50 times after that, only maybe 25 would he ask me if I was hungry, but then the year after that, out of 50 times, then it became 35 times and then 45 times, right? Like it takes a minute to... know how to be married. ⁓ that's another, that's a whole other podcast episode.
So anyways, listen, if you're tired of having the same fight with your partner, we need to work together. I want to help you be able to reset the conversation and find that piece again, because the reality is that you're not stuck because you can't communicate. You're stuck because you both want to be understood first. Let me pray for you.
Father God, I thank you so much for the gift of marriage, for the gift of life, for the gift of our children, for the gift of access to our finances, even if we feel like they're not where we want them to be. I just thank you for the opportunities to have and lead these relationships and have these things that we can't even take with us when we die. I thank you for them. ⁓ I pray in this moment that
We don't make certain things such a big deal that we magnify the good and the light and the faithfulness and the joy more than we do the bad. This morning I was listening to a podcast that talked about codependency and I remember playing it and thinking, ⁓ it's not for me, but whatever. And I realized that even in relationships where our goal is to have peace and just let others have their way, that that is actually codependency because
We're trying to keep the peace and not really solve the conflict. And so today I just pray that many of us are led to solve the conflict amicably ⁓ and in a way that you would want us to solve it, especially with the holidays coming up. Lord, I thank you so much. Amen.
Okay, listen, if you've enjoyed this episode, make sure that you share it with all of your amigos. Leave me a review. Send me an email at team@Karinafdaves.com. I would love to hear from you and what you thought of this episode. Alright, I'll talk to you soon. Bye.
