138. The Fight You’re Having Isn’t The Fight You’re Really In
Meet the Host
Five years ago, after achieving my degrees and teaching as a professor, I was feeling proud that I had checked everything off my life list. But, I wasn’t satisfied in my marriage.
Today, I’m a relationship coach on a mission to resurrect the side of you that got lost in your marriage. Millions of people around the world soak up my content for advice on how to have a more satisfying relationship.
The most common fight that you’re having with your spouse, the fight about the dishes, the parenting, the money, the chores - that’s not the fight you’re really in.
The arguments you’re having are really about the cracks in your connection that neither of you are taking the time to slow down and face.
In this episode, I explain what you need to do to rebuild your marriage and stop arguing about the surface level things.
It is time to get off the “hamster wheel of pointing the finger” and fix the real problem in your relationship.
Click the link to listen, and let me know what you think - I’d love to hear from you!
If this episode hits home and you’re ready to work with me, book a call so we can chat. On the call, you’ll share what’s going on, what you’ve tried, and I’ll share how I can help. Can’t wait to connect!
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Episode Transcript:
Karina: Amigos, como están? Welcome back to the Relationship Reset with me, your host, Karina F. Daves, marriage expert and host of this dope podcast. This episode today is called The Fight You're Having Isn't the Fight You're Really In. In this episode, we're going to talk about the most common fights that you're having with your spouse, like the dishes, you know, the kids, things of that nature that you're having constantly. Whether it's parenting, money, the chores, I want you to know that it's not really about those things. So let's dive right in.
Plenty of times in our marriages, we will have the normal reoccurring type of arguments that don't necessarily make us want to get a divorce. That's the reality of it, right? In most marriages, you are going to argue about chores, about parenting, about financial decisions that you all decide to make. And, you know, it can make you feel like you're not being heard. It can make you feel like you're not being valued. It can make you even feel like you're not safe. But what I want you to decide and understand right now is that when you and your partner are arguing about the chores, it's really not about the chores. The argument is actually about the cracks in your connection that neither of you are taking the time to slow down and face. When you're arguing about things like money and financial decisions and the target runs and Ulta, which I really wanted to tell my husband it was a utility expense and not the beauty store. It's never really about the money. When you're arguing about money, it's actually about whether y'all can trust each other with what you believe matters the most, right? Because money is money. Money can feel very, ⁓ very close and near and dear to one's heart, right?
And when you're arguing about things like who's picking up the kids and things of that nature and what are we doing? And did you book this and did you book that? You're not actually arguing about the task. When it comes to the kids, you're arguing about whether you both can rely on each other at all. Whether I can tell you something and you will follow through when it comes to the kids. Whether I can share with you something that needs to get done and I can trust that I can go ahead and do my own thing. When you're arguing about things like the laundry, right? It's never really about the laundry. It's never really about the dishes. It's about a partner feeling like they are invisible in the household and feeling like everything else takes a priority, but the very thing that we're supposed to manage together. And so they feel like not only are they invisible, but they have to carry the entire load managerially with the kids, all of that, it just feels like it's all on them. When you guys are arguing about overspending, it's not about the $300 target run that you made. It's about a partner feeling like the only person that's protecting the future of this family is them and that you're not on board. Right? When you're arguing about each other's parenting styles, right?
This is a very common argument that you both will have where you one parent will feel like the kids need to be disciplined a little bit harsher or the other parent may feel like it's too much. Right in that moment you are arguing about whether you both should partner up on this or whether you should be opponents in raising your kids. You don't see that when you are arguing about your parenting styles that It's actually not about which way we should handle this. This is about whether we are a team or whether we work against each other, right? Plenty of times, even when you argue about things like the dishes, again, back to the chores, you're not arguing about that task. You're arguing if, whether or not you both actually value the things that need to get done for this relationship, for this marriage, for everything to keep going.
And so I want you to know that when you are arguing with your partner, it's never about who does more. It's always about who doesn't feel appreciated, who doesn't feel seen from what they've already given to this marriage, right? And you're focusing so much on the small stuff when it's less about the small stuff and more about if trust is still there or has the trust between us been broken and never been repaired, right? And so you're wasting time arguing about the fight in front of you when the real problem is the unresolved wound underneath it that y'all haven't been able to get to because you've been too busy, because you haven't focused your time on it. And until you take the time to fix what is underneath, the dishes underneath the laundry, underneath the parenting, arguing underneath the target runs underneath all of those things until you and your partner find time to argue and discuss about what's underneath until you fix that. You both will be arguing for a very long time and you will be in this, what I call hamster wheel of pointing the finger.
What you need to do now is rebuild your marriage in a way that keeps you both from arguing about the superficial surface level things that I'm telling you. Once you figure out the core, you'll argue about those things so much quicker because you'll know what really is the wound. You'll know what really is the problem. You understand?
That's why you just can't fix certain things with budget plans, chore charts. You've got to work on building that emotional safety and that trust first. You understand me? Okay.
If this episode resonated with you, you need to work with me. I want to help you rebuild your marriage in a way that gets you both to stop arguing about surface level stuff, the fake stuff, the stuff that really isn't the problem. You understand? Let me pray for you and your marriage.
Father God, I thank you so much for the ability to get married and for the free will that you give us to choose our life partners. I pray in this moment for anybody that can hear the sound of my voice. I pray over peace over their marriage. But Lord, you never just send peace. You send opportunities for peace. And so I pray that anybody that's listening, that you understand that this prayer is going to give them an opportunity to practice that peace, an opportunity to have that conversation differently, an opportunity to see their partners differently. Lord, you are a Lord of miracles, a God of miracles, a God of opportunities. And in this moment right now, I pray that you keep our partnerships flowing in a way that allows us to see where those gaps are, where the red flags are, and where...There are opportunities for us to change, to grow, to implement, and to work together. To work together, work together and being a unit. We love you so much, Lord. In your name we pray, amen.
Okay, I love you so much. If you've enjoyed this episode, make sure you save it, share it with all of your amigos, and I can't wait to ⁓ see you here next week. Alright, bye!
