137. Love Isn’t Enough to Save Your Marriage
Meet the Host
Five years ago, after achieving my degrees and teaching as a professor, I was feeling proud that I had checked everything off my life list. But, I wasn’t satisfied in my marriage.
Today, I’m a relationship coach on a mission to resurrect the side of you that got lost in your marriage. Millions of people around the world soak up my content for advice on how to have a more satisfying relationship.
If you are relying on love to save your marriage it won’t work. Love alone isn’t enough to overcome your relationship issues and save your marriage.
In this episode, I share the 3 things you need in your relationship, in addition to love, for a strong and healthy marriage.
Learn how these 3 things will improve your marriage and make each of you better people individually, and as a couple.
Additionally, I reference the Spring Clean Your Relationship Series, and you can find that here.
Click the link to listen, and let me know what you think - I’d love to hear from you!
If this episode hits home and you’re ready to work with me, book a call so we can chat. On the call, you’ll share what’s going on, what you’ve tried, and I’ll share how I can help. Can’t wait to connect!
P.S. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp®. Get professional support at a fraction of the cost of in-person therapy. Sign up today and get 10% off your first month - click the link to get started!
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Episode Transcript:
Karina: Amigos, welcome back to the Relationship Reset with me, your host, Karina F. Daves, marriage expert. Today's episode is going to be called, Love Isn't Enough to Save Your Marriage.
Plenty of times we really depend on love to save the day. But what I want to remind you of today is that love is obvious. That's why when you ask your partner and y'all are going through a difficult time, if they still love you, it doesn't produce the answer that you want. Because in your mind, if they loved you, they wouldn't do many of the things that they do. So a bigger question to ask is if they still wanna do life with you, if y'all still have the same values. I have another episode on that, which we can link to this one, which is called, Spring Clean Your Relationship. It's an amazing series for couples that really feel like they're going through a tough time and they need a hard reset. But today's episode is focused on the fact that love isn't enough to save your marriage and what is right. ⁓ I want to say that love alone isn't going to fix the feeling that you have that y'all are roommates. Love alone isn't going to fix your issues or the fact that they cheated on you or lie to you, whatever the case is. Love alone isn't going to fix the disrespect that exists between the both of you right now. You see, you are trying so hard to depend on only love to hold down this marriage. But love by itself is weak if it is missing the rest. And by the rest, I mean three things.
Number one, your marriage needs safety. What I mean about safety, and there's different varieties, there's emotional safety, physical safety, but I think in marriage, you need safety and knowing that your partner has your back, even when their family is talking trash about you. It's the safety in knowing that you have the absolute freedom to be yourself without needing to pay the price later. It's about having the emotional safety to say what you need to say in a respectful manner and it land with your partner so that y'all can collaborate together on fixing what the problem is. Safety is being able to wake up every day knowing that you and your partner could literally go through hell and back and y'all will be okay. You would feel safe.
We have this joke in our house where like we asked our kids, you know, if there was a zombie apocalypse, who would they want to be with if they had to pick? And you know, there's different options. There's me, there's your dad, there's each other, there are siblings. They can only pick one person. Everybody, including me, picks my husband.
And I, you know, I get curious cause I'm like, maybe it's cause of his strength or whatever. And they're like, no, Daddy's very much a quick thinker when it comes to physical safety. So for them, they think that a zombie apocalypse is going to, you know, physically endanger them. So they want to make sure that there's somebody that is physically safe, which is their dad. And then I think that assures them emotionally that they'll be okay. So they won't have to freak out. But we even asked the question of like, who would you want to be stuck in an island with? Nobody ever picks me. ⁓ I don't think I'm the safer option. ⁓ I think that they have this firm belief that they would, you know, not make it. Something to make you laugh, but safety is very important in your marriage.
Number two, if you're listening to this and you're only depending on love, the second thing you need to depend on is accountability, right? It's in those moments where your partner doesn't just say, that's just who I am. How many of you have heard that before or even have said that before, right? You're in the middle of an argument and your partner's like, I just wish that you would think about me when I was sick and your partner's like, well, that's just who I am. I'm not that type of person, right? Like you married me. Somebody who holds himself accountable says, I hear you and I'll do better in their own ways, right? But then you can't, let me just say something. You can't then in that moment when they're vulnerable telling you that they'll do better, you then in that moment can't be like the police and be like, how, how will you do better? And by when like let it simmer for a second. Okay. Because accountability is when you don't guess like your partner, when you don't dismiss your partner or when you don't dodge and essentially you're owning your mess. So if your partner has the practice of owning their mess in these moments and saying, I'll try better, I'll do better. You then have to understand that this is an emotionally high conversation.
And we will plan or we will have a later conversation of how you can do better later on when you don't feel like a piece of crap. And plenty of times couples make that mistake. They don't give their marriage enough room to breathe. You understand?
The third thing that you need, not just love, is you need partnership. You need partnership. And I think that there are many definitions of it and for the purposes of this episode, I'm defining partnership as...you don't move like opponents. You move like you both belong to the same team. Right? So I'm amazing at giving directions. I give very clear and concise directions, but I also have a lot of grace because I understand my directions. ⁓ And my husband is more- he's the guy that thinks more about what can happen rather than what has happened. So I'm more reactive and he's more proactive. So I'm more so like the kid is bleeding like, oh my gosh, this is what we do. Pass me this, pass me that, pass me that, let's go to the ER. Yeah, like I'm more like that. Whereas let's say the kid was bleeding because they fell off their bike. He's more proactive in making sure that the kid has a helmet, the bike brakes work before they go out, that everything is set up so that they can be successful. And I think that's one of the things that make us a really great team where we work more like teammates and opponents, right? I think partnership is also when you stop competing with each other and you realize that God has put you together to build ⁓ one another and build with each other. And I'll stop here and say that one of the biggest things that happens in marriages and why people hate marriages is because you feel like you can't be yourself. feel like now that you've entered this partnership, you no longer have individuality. And you feel like your individuality has suffered. You feel like you no longer can do the hobbies or get together with the people that you've previously done. And I think there is a line, right? So if you used to...you know, go out for drinks with your boys at the strip club. Like that's not something that may be conducive to your marriage now. Like now you may just be going to a Buffalo Wild Wings, right? To get together or, you know, trying out a new sushi restaurant.
And I think that when you get married, sometimes people misinterpret partnership as we have to spend so much time together. But partnership, successful partnership is building one another up individually and also building with one another. And so me even recording this podcast and having the business that I have is my husband's way of partnering with me to build me up. In the same partnership, we also work together as parents to build our children up. One is collaborative and one is helping me individually succeed. If your partner doesn't feel that there is a good balance of both, they will eventually burn out and resent you. And I think that that is something very difficult to explain when it's happening. And I also think it's very difficult to share because it can feel like you're pointing the finger. But true partnership is a mix of both. You understand?
Marriage is a space where there's no more me versus you. It's us versus the problem. Marriage is also the space that when you have more than just love in your marriage, you get to laugh more, you get to argue less, you feel lighter again, you start having the desire that you wanna actually be around each other not just tolerate each other. And how many marriages do we know today that are doing that? And so I want to just remind you today that love is obvious, but if you do not have safety, accountability, or partnership, then nine out of 10 times, your marriage is running on fumes. And if this is you, you need to work with me. Okay, go to the link in my bio on Instagram or TikTok and I want you to book a call.
Or you can send my team an email at team@KarinafDaves.com and we can chat some more there about what's happening, what you tried and how I can help. Okay. I want to help you rebuild safety again in your marriage where both of you feel you're holding yourself accountable and you feel like partners again. ⁓ let me pray for you.
Father God. I thank you so much for the gift of marriage. I thank you so much that, ⁓ marriage calls us to be one. And I think that sometimes we feel like being one means that we lose ourselves. But if anything, marriage is meant to enhance each other, make each other better. you know, even when I think about your words, you call us still children of God, and that's so individualistic still, right? And we're also a married couple of God. Like there's so many different ways that we're still named. never, that child of God part never gets deleted.
And so for anybody that's listening right now, Father God, I just pray over their marriage in a way that they invite partnership back into it and ⁓ realize that a marriage is much more fruitful when you work together rather than against each other. I love you so much. In your name, we pray. Amen.
Okay. If you've enjoyed this episode, make sure you share it with all of your amigos. Save it. ⁓ And I can't wait to see you next week. All right, ciao.
