132. My Husband Comes Before My Kids
Meet the Host
Five years ago, after achieving my degrees and teaching as a professor, I was feeling proud that I had checked everything off my life list. But, I wasn’t satisfied in my marriage.
Today, I’m a relationship coach on a mission to resurrect the side of you that got lost in your marriage. Millions of people around the world soak up my content for advice on how to have a more satisfying relationship.
I recently shared a post on Instagram where I said “my husband comes before my kids” and in this episode I explain exactly what I mean, slide by slide.
It's not choosing my husband over my kids, it's choosing my marriage so my kids don't grow up thinking love is always a struggle.
Learn how when I put my husband before my kids, my kids benefit from that.
Click the link to listen, and let me know what you think - I’d love to hear from you!
If this episode hits home and you’re ready to work with me, book a call so we can chat. On the call, you’ll share what’s going on, what you’ve tried, and I’ll share how I can help. Can’t wait to connect!
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Episode Transcript:
Karina: Amigos, como estan? Welcome back to the relationship reset with me, your host, Karina F. Daves, marriage expert speaker and host of this dope podcast. Today's episode is called My Husband Comes Before My Kids. Now, this episode is dedicated to a post that I recently did on Instagram. And I want to not explain myself, not in the sense of defend myself, but I really want to share more detail about what that post meant slide by slide. This is a carousel post. And if you've been following me for some time, you know that I started out as a reel girly and within the year I recently made a transition to carousels. And it's interesting because I just didn't really think that people read because I don't follow carousels, but somehow carousels really matter to people. This carousel in particular, has gotten 2.4 million views as of yesterday, which is insane because last week it was at 1 million views. And I've only had a couple of videos, I would say at least 10 to 15 videos get into the million pile. And my carousels have been in the thousands and whatnot, but this one seemed to provide a lot of controversy. So I actually just wanna share some figures just before we get right into it. So this carousel as I shared, let's see, currently has, it shouldn't have more than yesterday. Okay, so 2.4 million views, 98 % is from people that don't follow me. It's had 65,000 shares, which is crazy, 19,000 saves and over 130,000 thousand interactions, that means that people are talking to each other on this post.
So let's get right into it. I'll read you the post and slide by slide I'm going to explain Let me explain each slide to you So the first one is my husband comes before my kids because if my marriage falls apart, so does their world. Now what I meant by that is that your kids have access to a real life story playing out right in front of them, right? They have created through many moments of being with you and the other parent and the family, they're creating moments that make up their illusion of what their world looks like. And so I didn't in any way try to say that their world will fall apart if I get a divorce. I was more so trying to say that the illusion that we give through our marriage is what's going to fall apart for them because that's what their world is. And so I need to make sure that the marriage that I committed to when I said I do comes first because that's the world that I am building for my kids to have thoughts about. And when I say illusion, I don't mean that like it's fake. I just mean that right now you have an illusion of what your life is like, what your job is like, what your marriage is like, what your relationship with your parents are like. Like you have an illusion of what you and belief of what you think that looks like. And so what I'm saying is that I need to make sure that I hold strong onto aiding and pouring into and committing to the world and relationship of my husband and I so that that world that's created from those moments doesn't fall apart because it's not that it's fake, but because that's my job. That's part of being a parent. Part of being a parent is making sure that I'm a great wife. And I don't think we put two and two together. We think that being a great parent, and I'm only talking about married people right now, that being a great parent when you're married is just being a mom. No, being a great parent also means I have to be a great wife because we became parents together. I could not have become a parent without my husband. You understand? So that's the first slide.
The second is I'm not saying kids aren't important. I'm saying that my marriage sets the tone for my kids. Now, what I mean by that is that literally everything I just said, which is my marriage, my everyday affection, my everyday side eye, like chuckle, kiss, hug, fighting, and then my kids watching us resolve our arguments, like that every day is what is setting the tone for them and their world. And I don't think we think that our kids are smart enough to notice, but they are. They're not as immersed in their own playing or devices, whatever the case is, as much as you think. You watch your kid play on their iPad while you're arguing to the top of your lungs in your kitchen and you think they can't hear or feel you or even feel the resentment after the fact, you're crazy for thinking that. They know. They know.
Next was, if your marriage is trash, I'm very direct, I guess, bullish, I would say. If your marriage is trash, your kids are the very first people to feel it. Of course, they live with you. Your kids are the very first people to feel your sadness, to feel your anger, to feel that you don't wanna be together, to even have those initial feelings of, did they do something wrong? Like are they the problem? Your kids are going to be the very first people they have front row seat tickets to your marriage. And I think you forget that you you're trying so hard to have privacy with your in-laws, your neighbors, your best friends, your coworkers. And you don't realize that your kids witness so much more than you think.
Next slide says, kids don't just need food and the best toys. They need to see a love that last. They need to see a love that last. And not just together. Like you've, I'm sure you've met many couples that are like, we've been together for 30 years, but they're like very toxic. You know, they're very toxic. Yeah, that's not what I'm talking about. I don't want you to stay together just so they could say my parents have been together for 30 years. I want you to, in this marriage, try to be as fruitful as possible so your kids can now mimic that love. mean, the love that you show your kids, not, and let me, let me just define this. The love that you show your kids, not as a parent because they know that you love them. The love that is on display from when your friend calls you, from when your husband or wife walks through the door, that love is on display 24/7. Let me give you an example. Nine out of 10 times, I don't want to say 10 out of 10, nine out of 10 times, my husband is walking through the door and giving me a kiss. Nine out of 10 times, unless he's like, something has happened or I'm running around. like within the first 60 seconds of us being in each other's presence, we're kissing. We're kissing, we're hugging. How was your day? You doing good? What do you need? Like we're interacting and our kids are watching that because they're sitting waiting for one of us to take him to practice. Kids need stability. They need safety and all of that comes from a healthy marriage in your home. Yeah, you think that you can just throw activities and money and iPads to a problem, but stability doesn't come from those systems that stability and safety that your kids are looking for comes from your relationship with your partner. When you put your kids above your marriage, resentment is high, sex starts to fade, and you become roommates with kids. Absolutely, absolutely. And what I mean by that is there are two instances that I can tell you that people predominantly put their kids above their marriage.
Or actually, let me just say this. There are two instances in your marriage where you are going to be tested who comes first. One is parenting and discipline. You may have a way that you feel like you need to discipline your kids or have a conversation with your kids. When your partner steps into the room and gives a polar opposite of what you just tried to implement, there you go.
Like, and, and they're airing on the kid's side. absolutely. Kids before the partner, your kids in that moment know that whatever parent did that, ain't it? Ain't it? So for example, if I was, if, if, my husband was disciplining the kids and I walked in and said, honey, relax, it's not that serious. Let them be or whatever. Boom. I just created division in my family. It's that fast, that heavy, that fast and that heavy. Putting in that, in that scenario, I put my kids over my husband. What I should have done and what you need to do is in that moment, you don't like what's happening. So then you need to, after the argument is over, you say, honey, can I talk to you for a second? Listen, like I didn't really like how that went down. Like this is what I thought separately, not in front of them.
The second way that you put your kids above your marriage is time. If you spend more time with your kids than you do alone together, I don't care if you ride a bike, go for a walk, go on date nights, sit in the car and eat. I don't care what you do, but if you spend more significant time with your kids, just with them, than you do with your spouse alone, you've put your kids above your marriage.
When you put your marriage first, your kids learn what partnership looks like. They see respect, love, and begin to feel safe. Absolutely. It's not choosing my husband over my kids. It's choosing my marriage so my kids don't grow up thinking love is always a struggle. And this is where I don't think that you understand the benefit of, I'm not saying that kill my kids. My husband is here. That's not, that's how many of you are taking it. What I'm saying is that because I made the decision to choose my husband, right? My kids benefit from that. The people that benefit the most from me choosing my husband first are my kids. 100%. 100%. It's like, if I choose to, I'm trying to think, if I choose leaving my family, which I did do for a particular period of time, leaving my family to go and pursue a career or an education, but then I come back, my family now benefits from having a person in their family that can act as a support system, a pillar, a defendant, an advocate, whatever it is. I had to make that decision, didn't mean I didn't love my family. I stayed in touch with them, but I came back before a significant period of time. My school came first, especially as a daughter of immigrants. It was crazy. That's another episode. It's choosing my marriage so my kids can have the home they deserve. Yes. Exactly what I just explained. Stop hiding behind. It's all about the kids while your marriage dries up. Your kids aren't dumb. They already know their parents are roommates. If right now this post, this episode resonated with you and I...
It doesn't matter if you have an objection or if you agree with me, whatever it is, I want to hear from you. I want to know your side and you can email me at team@KarinaFDaves.com. You can send me a DM, whatever the case is. You know, I'm always open to respectful and honest conversations. Also, if this is something that you're struggling with and you're like crap, like we've put the kids way, way, way above our marriage and there's something that needs to shift and change.
I want you to go to the link in my bio on Instagram and book a call so we can talk about everything that's happened so far, what you tried and how I can help. Okay, this isn't something that, it's more serious than you think when you become roommates. It's not something that I want you to sit on for a while. Okay, let me pray for you.
Father God, I thank you so much for your love, for your light and for just taking care of us. I know that there is so much honor on a daily basis that we can give you and we fall short. Before I recorded this episode, I shared with you how much I wanted you to fix something and then I apologized because I just felt like I don't acknowledge so much what it is that you want to do in me. And I'm sorry for that. And I think many of us can relate to that. And so I just come to you right now, Lord, and ask that you put it on our heart, the things that you want from us for you. What sacrifice can we make today for you? You gave your only son up for us and our sins. And what can we do for you being your sons and daughters? Love you so much. In your name we pray. Amen. Okay.
This was good. I love you. I gotta go. My kid will literally run through that door in three minutes. All right. We'll talk soon. Bye.
