131. How Do I Get Their Trust Back?
Meet the Host
Five years ago, after achieving my degrees and teaching as a professor, I was feeling proud that I had checked everything off my life list. But, I wasn’t satisfied in my marriage.
Today, I’m a relationship coach on a mission to resurrect the side of you that got lost in your marriage. Millions of people around the world soak up my content for advice on how to have a more satisfying relationship.
If you are at a place in your relationship where you feel like no matter how much you apologize your partner still looks at you like they don't trust you anymore, this episode is for you.
I walk you through the HEAL Framework that I use with couples to repair the trust in their marriages.
Rebuilding trust is possible, but rebuilding trust takes time. It's extremely intentional and it's based on actions and consistency of those actions.
Click the link to listen, and let me know what you think - I’d love to hear from you!
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Episode Transcript:
Karina: Amigos, welcome back to the Relationship Reset with me, your host, Karina F. Daves, marriage expert, speaker, and podcast host of this dope podcast. This episode is called, How Do I Get Their Trust Back? If right now you are at a place in your relationship where you feel like no matter how much you apologize, your partner looks at you in a way that they don't trust you anymore. And you're in this place left wondering, well, where do we go from here? What now? If they'll never be able to trust me, what is there left to do? Right? And so this episode is for anybody who feels like they've broken that trust, whether that trust was broken through things like infidelity or lies or repeated letdowns and you're ready to rebuild, this episode is for you.
So I first wanna talk about why trust is usually broken in marriages. Having been a marriage coach for some time now, I can tell you that it actually is not just about cheating. Not being able to trust your partner can also come in the form of not feeling like they're consistent, right? They're not reliable. And so in essence, your partner doesn't feel safe with you ⁓ while cheating is a factor ⁓ because it feels like a promise is broken. The promise that you said, I'll love you forever. And I'll, you know, never betray you. ⁓ It feels like ⁓ trust is something that is easily given, but when taken away or when dismantled, It's not something that you can just talk your way back to. It's something that you have to show and demonstrate your way back to. And so this is actually part of my HEAL framework that I use with my couples as we repair trust back again in their marriages, repair consistency, repairing them as a married couple ⁓ back to having a healthy marriage. And so I'm going to take you through that framework because that this is exactly how you're going to get their trust back.
It starts with H, which is for hearing the whole story. ⁓ And for you, I literally just want you to hear your partner out. Plenty of times you want to rush to forgiveness. I need you to sit still and listen to the anger, listen to their pain, or even listen to their silence. You need to let your partner feel what they're feeling. Okay. And this is very difficult because a lot of the times partners begin to feel like, well, they've already told me how they felt. They've already told me how angry they are. Yeah. But you think that your one act of breaking their trust equals only one time of hearing how much it hurt. And it's not that simple.
Usually, betrayal, there's an Institute for Marriage and Relationships, and it says that marriages usually take, or relationships usually take anywhere between six months to two years to recover from infidelity. That's not a quick turnaround, right? And so it's gonna mean you being okay with hearing them out, but also acknowledging that the needle is moving.Right?
Then E and that's establishing accountability. A lot of partners actually don't struggle with this part, but it's they struggle on how to do this part. So this is establishing accountability, owning what you did without excusing it. And I know plenty of couples or partners that have said, I'm not excusing my behavior. I'm giving the reason for why I did what I did. Great, you can totally do that. Sometimes it's difficult because the lines can ⁓ mesh, right, between reason and excuse. But when you own what you did, there aren't any excuses. You're not blaming your partner. You're not deflecting. You're very clear that you did something wrong and that you take accountability for what you did. That type of heart posture, owning what you did is one of the biggest things that is going to move the needle in this marriage. Hearing them out is great. You're creating that safe space. But when you own your part, when you own your mistakes and not in some shameful way, but in a mature way, like, listen, what I did was wrong. I should have never lied to you. I should have never, you know, deflected. I should have never talked about you behind your back. That sets the tone for our future. That sets the tone for the fact that our maturity is growing, right? Our ability to look within ourselves is also magnifying. ⁓ And believe it or not, establishing accountability and taking accountability grows you guys and brings you guys closer together.
Number three is A, which is you start to align your new normal and you begin to align many of your actions with your words. And this is also a second big jump in repair, which is, ⁓ if you say you're going to be home by seven, you're home by seven. If you say no more secrets, no more secrets. If you, it's following the philosophy of you say, do you, you become a say, do person, whatever you say, you do. That is aligning with your words and aligning a new normal, creating a new normal in your marriage means that while we know there is this elephant in the room that we're trying to kick out slowly because it's so heavy. ⁓ we're also establishing a different dynamic between us that becomes our new normal because the reality is that this incident will forever be a part of our marital history, but it doesn't necessarily need to define our marriage.
And then the last is our love in action. And what I mean by that is that this is a part where you get to be partners again. You don't just say you love each other, but you remain consistent in that love. And so, this is where a lot of people start to talk about acts of service or showing them their partner's safety and stability and whatnot. Showing your partner that I'm ready to be partners again. We're loving each other again. It's so important.
Okay, so that's my HEAL framework. I want you to know that during this period, you're gonna make mistakes. And what I've watched a lot of my clients do are make the mistakes of wanting to be forgiven yesterday and I want you to know that it does not work like that. If you betrayed your partner's trust you have to stop expecting them To forgive you in an instant as quickly as it took you to make that mistake. When you are expecting your partner to forgive you as quickly as it took you to make that mistake and betray their trust, you are saying to them that it wasn't that big of a deal. This wasn't like you forgot the milk at the grocery store. This was you lied. You lied to the person you said I do to. You said I love you in the morning and came back a liar. That's deceitful. That hurts.
That isn't going to give you microwave results. That's not an instant forgiveness. So I want you know it doesn't work like that. And that's one of the biggest common mistakes that couples make as they repair.
Two, when you are just performing trust, your partner sees it. When you're doing it just to not feel as heavy as it feels right now, you're doing it for the wrong reasons. And it's a performance and they see right through it.
Number three, you are going to get defensive. When your partner gets triggered, I don't want you to get defensive. I need you to remain curious and lean in. And the last common mistake that a lot of couples make is that they forget that rebuilding their marriage takes time and the timeline is not in your control. What you did was in your control, but the timeline of forgiveness is in no way, or form in your control. You understand?
What I want you to get out of this episode is that rebuilding trust is possible, but rebuilding trust is also slow. It's extremely intentional and it's based on actions and consistency of those actions. If you broke it, you don't get to control how fast it heals.
But remember this, you do get the opportunity to control how consistently you can show up. And so right now, if you're listening to me, whether it's in your car, whether it's on a walk, whatever the case is, I want you to reflect and just think about one small promise that you can keep this week as a step toward rebuilding trust. I don't even want you to announce it to your partner if you don't need to, right? ⁓
And if this is something that you are that you're struggling with in your marriage right now, I want you to ⁓ work with me. I want to help you rebuild your marriage so that your partner no longer feels like you're just making up excuses for what you did. You understand? So go to link in my bio on Instagram or Tik Tok and book a call so we can talk about everything that's happened so far, what you tried and how I can help. Okay. Let me pray for you.
Father God, I thank you so much for the invention of relationships. And I thank you so much that you created us, that you created more than one of us. ⁓ Not only did you want us to build together and to build a community with one another so that we can be of service to others, but ⁓ I think it's also fair to say how much you wanted us to be in service to each other. ⁓ There's so many things that as a couple people can do. And I think that we lose sight of that. We tend to fall short and be deceived by other things that we want to do that we want to take pleasure in. And so in this moment right now, I want to pray for two different types of couples. I want to pray for the couples that are feeling the, ⁓ the pull to do something that they shouldn't do. I pray that you remove that desire out of their hearts. I pray that you remove that desire out of their homes. I pray that they ⁓ have the necessary conversations with their partners about their feeling and what they feel like is missing in their marriage. And then I also pray for the couples that did things that they weren't supposed to do and I pray ⁓ for restoration over their marriage. I prayed that forgiveness is in line and I really pray that ⁓ no matter what happens in that relationship that healing is still felt. God, you are just such a marvelous doctor of everything, of our bodies, of our relationships, of our situations, of our finances, like, just to think about how the Bible describes you, the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. ⁓ I just apologize if we don't think of you as much as you want us to think of you. I'm sorry about that. ⁓ I pray that you continue being by our side and I pray that we continue reminding ourselves that even if we don't feel like you're there. The fact of the matter is that you are. And so facts over feelings. I love you so much, God. In your name we pray, amen.
Okay, if you enjoyed this episode, make sure that you leave me an Apple review on Apple podcast. Rate it, share it with all of your amigos. And if you have not signed up for my email newsletter yet, please make sure ⁓ to sign up for the Reset Your Relationship weekly emails right now.
We actually till the end of September, so I don't know when this episode will air, ⁓ but we have an amazing offer going on where you get to spend a month with me for only $4.95. You get one free call and unlimited voice memo access to me. It is a one time thing, new clients only, pretty sweet actually, and you cannot renew it. So if that's something that you're looking for, even if you miss the date, the deadline, please feel free to reach out to my team, team@karinafdaveas.com. I would love to talk to you. Send me a DM if that's the case. And I can't wait to see you next time. All right. Love you so much. Bye.
