127. I Want to be Close Again but I Don't Know How
Meet the Host
Five years ago, after achieving my degrees and teaching as a professor, I was feeling proud that I had checked everything off my life list. But, I wasn’t satisfied in my marriage.
Today, I’m a relationship coach on a mission to resurrect the side of you that got lost in your marriage. Millions of people around the world soak up my content for advice on how to have a more satisfying relationship.
Are you ready to be close again with your partner? You and your partner have drifted apart and you’re at a phase in your marriage where you miss your partner, and the closeness you once had.
If you’re trying things that aren’t working, it is probably because you're forcing a type of pressure that is unnecessary in your marriage. To get the closeness back, you need to start small so everyone feels safe.
In this episode, I outline 3 things you can do to work on the emotional and physical intimacy in your marriage. This work is so important for a healthy marriage and a close relationship with your partner.
Click the link to listen, and let me know what you think - I’d love to hear from you!
If this episode hits home and you’re ready to work with me, book a call so we can chat. On the call, you’ll share what’s going on, what you’ve tried, and I’ll share how I can help. Can’t wait to connect!
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Episode Transcript:
Karina: Amigos, welcome back to the Relationship Reset with me, your host, Karina F. Daves relationship expert, podcast host of this podcast and speaker. Today's episode is called I want to be close again, but I don't know how. Now, this episode is going to be primarily focused on that phase in your marriage where y'all have drifted apart.
Whether the reason is betrayal and fidelity or simply because you became marriage managers and your roommates now. And so there's this distance between y'all and you don't know how to fix it. You've tried everything in the book and right now you're frustrated and you don't know what to do. So on this episode, I'm going to guide you through what's happening and what you can exactly do in this phase.
So number one, you miss the hugs. You miss your partner. You miss the ice cream nights in the kitchen. You miss the spontaneous sex. You miss just talking and not being judged or criticized or talking just to talk about what you found funny versus talking to talk because you did something wrong or they did something wrong or because there's something to do.
Essentially, you're at a phase in your marriage where you miss your partner. Now, the distance could also be because there was some sort of betrayal. Now, betrayal doesn't necessarily have to be you sleeping with somebody else. Betrayal can also be emotional. Betrayal could also be you having a relationship so much better with your career than you do with your partner. That is you cheating on your marriage with your job. Stepping out and betrayal could be you not being honest about financial transactions or information that you withheld from your partner. There are so many forms of betrayal in our marriage ⁓ that sometimes they can all feel the same. And so what happens at this stage is that one of you guys feels unsafe. You feel unsafe, you feel unworthy, you feel like you're only paid attention to when one of you are going for it, right? You feel like a doormat more than you do a partner. And what happens is you don't wanna be touched. Your partner just doesn't want to be touched at all or you don't want to be touched at all and it doesn't feel good. And the fact of the matter is that you keep telling yourself that the way that we're going to get better is if we do everything we did before, we should just have sex like before and it doesn't work. We should just act like we were before and it doesn't work. We should just cuddle the same way we did before and it doesn't work.
The reason why it doesn't work is because you're forcing a type of pressure that is unnecessary in your marriage, especially when the stakes are so high and the capacity is so low. You understand? You're trying to put so much more pressure and weight on your marriage during a time where what it needs is respite. What it needs is safety. What it needs is to breathe and feel seen. You are trying to put on a performance as opposed to remaining in the present.
So these are the three things that I want you to do in your marriage right now. If you feel like you wanna be close again, but you don't know how, the very first one is I want you to stop performing and do more acts of being present. Now, what this means is instead of let's just have sex right now, I literally just want you to have 20 minutes with each other, 20 minutes in bed, like the last 20 minutes before you say good night. And here's the thing, having been a marriage expert for some time, I realized that a lot of couples either don't go to bed together or don't wake up at the same time. I can understand if you have a job ⁓ that kind of just like is crazy and so you can't have that same schedule. But if you don't have a job,that is requiring you or you don't have a commitment and you're just up watching TV or you're just up, you know, because you can't sleep. I challenge you to spend the last 20 minutes or the first 20 minutes with your partner in bed with absolutely no performance. It's just presence. 20 minutes together. OK, no performance, just presence.
The second thing is you have to start creating no pressure zones. Because every single conversation at this point is about what you're doing wrong. It feels awful and you don't like it. And that feels like pressure, pressure to perform, pressure to answer, pressure to be better. And so instead, what I want you to do is to create no pressure zones. What that means is we go for a walk. We hold hands in the backyard. We go to Target and Window Shop. We go check out the new foot locker drops. We go check out golf lessons or swimming lessons. Like no pressure zones. Just a moment of each other's time where it's less about the unspoken and the elephant in the room and more so about connection.
Which leads me to my third thing that I want you to start doing is I want you to start speaking desire over your needs. So an example of this is I'll say to my husband, I just wanna let you know I really miss you and I still very much find you attractive and I just want you to know how much I miss you and I can't wait for our date night or I can't wait for us to spend some time together. That is it.
The pressure is I miss you, you don't spend time with me, all you do is pick this and pick that and you know, I find you attractive and you don't even look at me. That feels like judgment, criticism, it feels awful. And that is why your partner doesn't wanna be touched or that is why they don't wanna connect with you. I had a client that had, whose husband, cheated on her twice. The first time was they were together there. They are together for over 20 years. They have ⁓ kids and he had an emotional affair the first time via tax and the second time it was a sexual affair that he had on a work trip. And after she found out about the affair, it was so hard for him to touch her and he would just say like. I am I'm really trying to reignite us and I'm really trying and Karina she doesn't budge. And I said, I need for you to speak desire into her before you speak a command. And he said, what do you mean? That's my wife. And I said, absolutely. And in a very healthy marriage where there is a lot of things that are very healthy and built, you wouldn't need to only ⁓ do ⁓ only, you know, tell each other commands without the desire, but right now we're trying to gain your trust back. And the way that you do that is by telling your wife, you're hot. I really can't wait to touch you. That is it. Not, I know it's super unintentional, but not making your partner feel like they have to do something that they don't want to do because they don't feel like it. They are, they are at a very different state of mind right now and your only job especially if you want to be close again is to be present to have no pressure zones and at the end of the day to speak desire into your partner, okay, I Want you to understand that without any type of emotional and physical intimacy in your marriage you and your partner will become business partners. You and your partner will become roommates if you don't do this work.
If you think that just because Fulano and Mengano haven't had sex in three years and you haven't had sex in 18 months, so look at them, they seem happy, they're not. They're content. And I don't want contentment for you. You understand? So if right now y'all are at a place where you know that you want to be close again, but you don't know how, I want you to start small. I want you to stay safe. And I don't want you to rush it. I don't want you to pressure, put so much pressure on the older version of you. I want you to learn how to love each other again. If rebuilding emotional and physical intimacy or closeness right now feels impossible, you need to work with me. Okay? I want you to click the link in my bio.
Book a call so we can talk about everything that's happened so far, what you've tried and how I can help. It's so important that you understand that Rome was not built in a day and neither will the rebuilding of your marriage take 24 hours. Let me pray for you.
Father God, I thank you so much for this day. I thank you so much that you activated us to wake up another day and to try again. I know Lord that trying again and again, it feels extremely vulnerable. And I just ask, I just ask that you give us the fortitude to continue moving in the direction that you want for us. Let us know when to stop and let us know when to keep going. In Jesus name we pray, amen. Okay, if you've enjoyed this podcast, make sure you share it with all of your amigos. Leave me an Apple podcast review, send me an email at team at karinafdaves.com. visit my website, karinafdaves.com or shoot me a DM on TikTok or Instagram at my handle, karinafdaves. All right, I love you so much. Talk to you soon. Ciao.
