126. We're Back in the Same House but it Still Feels Cold
Meet the Host
Five years ago, after achieving my degrees and teaching as a professor, I was feeling proud that I had checked everything off my life list. But, I wasn’t satisfied in my marriage.
Today, I’m a relationship coach on a mission to resurrect the side of you that got lost in your marriage. Millions of people around the world soak up my content for advice on how to have a more satisfying relationship.
This episode is for couples who decided to take a physical break from one another, and are now back together. The break could have been for a few hours, or for a few months, but now that you’re back in the same house, it still feels cold.
The thing is, you can’t just hit the reset button on your relationship and time isn’t going to heal unresolved pain. You have to be intentional about repairing your relationship.
I share 3 steps to take for intentional reconnection. These are very practical steps anyone can take to start rebuilding the emotional closeness with your partner.
Click the link to listen, and let me know what you think - I’d love to hear from you!
If this episode hits home and you’re ready to work with me, book a call so we can chat. On the call, you’ll share what’s going on, what you’ve tried, and I’ll share how I can help. Can’t wait to connect!
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Episode Transcript:
Karina: Hola amigos, welcome back to the relationship reset with me, your host, Karina F. Daves, relationship expert, speaker and podcast host of this dope podcast.
Today's episode is called, We Are Back in the Same House, But It Still Feels Cold. Now, this episode is specific for couples that decided to take a physical break from one another, whether that be a weekend, a day you went for a drive, or you separated for a significant period of weeks or months, and now you are physically back together, but you still feel very much emotionally miles apart, okay?
One of the things that I want you to understand is that today I'm going to break down to y'all why it feels so cold when you finally physically get back together, even though you're in the same space and how I help couples start rebuilding their emotional closeness. You understand? Okay, let's get right into it. My episodes are quick and easy to digest.
So one of the things I want you to understand is that you currently are sharing a bed. You're eating at the same table. You're living under the same roof. And somehow it continues to feel like you are miles apart. And one of the biggest questions you keep asking yourself is, will we ever feel like our older selves again? Right? Like that's the goal. When there is any type of distance in the form of harsh betrayal or a harsh argument or somebody stepped out or said something out of pocket. I want you to understand that those types of heavy instances in your marriage is going to create distance or prolonged disconnection. It doesn't automatically repair itself just because you decided to remain together and live with one another. And so, why the coldness lingers? You're asking, well, why do we remain so cold with one another if we've decided to be with one another? Why can't we just spark up and try again? Right? Why can't we just forget and hit the reset? And the reason is because the body still remembers. And I know that sounds really kumbaya, but that's the reality of it. Right? Your body still remembers that it possibly is not safe around your partner. You possibly can't joke around the way you used to. You possibly can't ask for something directly because it may be taken the wrong way. And so you walk on eggshells around your partner. And what this looks like in your marriage is instances where you may sit next to one another and scroll aimlessly on your phones without talking to one another. Or you avoid certain heavy topics just because you wanna keep the peace and you just decided to come together and you don't want to mess anything up. You start to feel more like roommates than you do two people in a marriage, two partners.
I had a client that decided that it was best that he move back in with his wife. For this period, him and his wife had decided that they would take the kid that they had together for significant periods of time. So he would have his son for six weeks, then she would have him for six weeks and so on. And one of the decisions he made was, you know, we have to be with one another. We have to be close in proximity. That is what's gonna heal our marriage. And the thing about it is that it didn't. And the reason why it didn't is because the emotional safety wasn't rebuilt. The emotional trust wasn't rebuilt and you're not gonna be able to move forward in your marriage if the foundation of safety or the emotional part that keeps you walking on eggshells around your partner isn't fixed. You understand?
And so there's this myth that time heals all, right? And we tell ourselves like, yeah, if we just give it time, know, we're finally back together. It's just going to take a couple of months. We should finally get back in the swing of things. And it doesn't because the reality is that time does heal, but time isn't going to heal unresolved pain. Time isn't going to heal something that you don't talk about. The only thing that's going to heal the issue in your marriage right now is intentionally repairing it, intentionally deciding that this is what we're fixing, intentionally saying we are going to get support or intentionally saying we are going to, you know, create a plan for this thing. It's intentional. Time is the crux that you use to heal your marriage. Time is the scapegoat in your marriage. Time is the very thing that you have passed the buck to, to heal your marriage. And time isn't going to heal your marriage, but intentionally repairing it and deciding as a couple to intentionally rebuild your marriage is going to heal your relationship with your spouse. You understand?
If these emotional wounds aren't addressed, you are just going to continue seeing walls over and over again. Your intimacy is going to feel forced and you will without a doubt continue to feel very disconnected from your partner. Okay. Don't say I didn't tell you so I told you exactly what's going to happen. Okay. And if it hasn't happened, I mean, if you're listening to this and you're like, I've been through years of this. So I know what Karina is talking about. Send me a DM on Instagram. Okay. Karina F. Daves or on Tik TOK.
So now I want to walk you through how is it that we are going to rebuild this marriage? So a couple of things I want you to focus on, three very practical steps to reconnection, because when you think about reconnecting, you think about expensive vacations in Turks and Caicos. I'm not going to make you spend $10,000 in Turks and Caicos, okay? We gonna be on a budget here. So three ways, three very practical steps to reconnect is, number one, I want you to relearn what it is to be present, to be in each other's presence, to slow down time, to not talk about the things that need to get done, but more so lean in to each other's presence. How are you? No phones, no distractions. This intentional, 10 minute a day of being in each other's presence is going to be the very thing that takes off the pressure. Because everything that you're doing right now is putting pressure on your marriage. I'm trying to get you to be, I'm trying to get you to a place where we relieve that pressure and replace it with comfort. Okay.
The second thing I want you to do is understand. I just got off a call with a client this morning about this, where we talked about the large inputs in our marriage and the smaller inputs. And I said, you know, sometimes we have spouses that are hyper fixated on the larger bids on the larger wins when in essence the small bids are exactly what's going to give you wins. Your relationship, your marriage right now severely is thirsty for a win. So let's give it a win. And how we do that are by having micro moments. I'm gonna tell you the simplest thing to do and you're gonna roll your eyes. I know you are, but I'm going to tell you that it is extremely effective. Okay. Micro moments of touch, soft touch. If you walk past your partner to leave for work without touching or kissing, you have a very big problem unless, and actually even if they are sleeping, you go to them and you give them a kiss. You touch. We are human beings made in the covenant of marriage to touch one another, to be intimate, have sex with one another, joke with one another. That is the purpose. Soft touches, eye contact, checking in. How are you? How did last week's meeting go? I'm sorry I didn't ask you last week. There is not one day that goes by in my marriage unless one of us is away on a trip that I don't touch my husband and he does not touch me. Every single day for the last 13 years, we have touched each other. I promise you. And if we haven't, it's because we've been away. You understand? Healing, these micro moments create healing in your marriage that will gradually bring you both back together. It's not in these grand gestures of Turks and Caicos that your marriage is gonna miraculously be healed. It's going to be healed in these little consistent choices that you make to heal your marriage. Consistent choices.
The third way that you are going to reconnect with your partner is in essence what's missing, which is safety. And so one of the biggest questions I get is how do you create safety? The easiest way to create safety is by having safer conversations. Before diving into heavy topics, just try having lighthearted conversations like what's OutKast up to now? They had a couple hits, did they break up? What is your biggest vacation dream? I don't mean to talk about budget. Like I literally just am curious where you've wanted to travel. And if it's not anywhere, then I'm curious to understand why and just hear them out. You don't need a rebuttal. I often have my couples do this, which is practice safe sharing. This is what I call safe sharing where you are having one small conversation that day about something you appreciated, doesn't even have to be each other, something you appreciated or something that you saw, this is going to lower those walls and build, begin building the foundation for your marriage, okay? This healing matters because there is no way that you can rebuild the connection with your partner if you don't have that safety first, okay? The warmth that you're missing is going to come when both of you decide to show up peacefully and fully. The closeness that you want isn't about, you know, forcing the old version of you both. It's about creating a rhythm that feels safe, that feels open, that feels very intentional and very alive. You understand
Okay. If right now you're telling yourself, listen, being in this house isn't enough. I don't feel like we have trust. I don't feel like we have presence. I don't feel like it's warm. I'm going to help you. Okay. I want you to work with me. Go to the link in my bio or go to karinafdaves.com and book a call so we could talk about everything that's happened so far, what you tried and how I can help.
Okay, I love you and I want you to know that there is a way that you will be guided to be able to restore your marriage, to be able to restore the connection and the safety back into your relationship. You just have to decide. All right, let me pray for you.
Father God, I thank you so much for this day. I thank you that you created something like marriage. It's one of the most difficult things I've ever done besides being a parent. And I don't take the role lightly. And know that many of us listening don't, but we just want to share Lord that it's hard. It's hard as heck being married. And so I just asked in this moment that you would just restore our peace, restore our hearts. Would you reset us as we make our way home? Would you reset us as we say good night? Would you reset us as we are prepared to say good morning tomorrow to our husbands and wives, would you just reset our heart postures? I ask all of this in Jesus' name, amen.
Okay, if you've enjoyed this episode, make sure that you share it with all of your amigos. Leave me a review on Apple iTunes right here on this podcast platform and come back next week for another episode. I just wanna say thank you so much to this community for coming back and I hope that the advice here, the coaching that you receive here is something that is changing your life. And if it is, I would love to hear from you. Okay, I love you so much. Talk to you later, bye.
