145. What I Love, Fear & Dislike About Marriage, Part 2
Meet the Host
Five years ago, after achieving my degrees and teaching as a professor, I was feeling proud that I had checked everything off my life list. But, I wasn’t satisfied in my marriage.
Today, I’m a relationship coach on a mission to resurrect the side of you that got lost in your marriage. Millions of people around the world soak up my content for advice on how to have a more satisfying relationship.
I continue the conversation about what I love, fear, and dislike about marriage in this 2 part series. Be sure to listen to part 1, Episode 144, to hear the start of this discussion.
In this episode, I talk more about what I dislike about marriage and share what I fear about marriage.
This isn’t a series that is meant to share what you should do in a specific situation. These are things that people don’t really talk about when it comes to marriage, so I thought just having this conversation could help you realize that whatever your feelings are, you are not alone.
Click the link to listen, and let me know what you think - I’d love to hear from you!
If this episode hits home and you’re ready to work with me, book a call so we can chat. On the call, you’ll share what’s going on, what you’ve tried, and I’ll share how I can help. Can’t wait to connect!
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Episode Transcript:
Karina: The next thing that I don't like about marriage is outside influences and navigating, regulating all of those. And let me tell you exactly what I'm talking about.
So there's a part in scripture that talks about the fact that we are in this world, but we're not of this world. Meaning that there are going to be many things that are of the flesh and not the spirit. Meaning that things like pornography are of this world, but that are not faith driven, right? Things of this world that are going to influence you, whether it is through things like pornography, whether it's things through movies, music, your job, you know, that coworker that is going to capitalize on the fact that they see that you're sad in your life. Like, outside influences are something that I don't like when it comes to marriages because it takes a mature individual to navigate them.
And I think that there are going to be multiple outside influences that are going to try to attach themselves to your marriage and make you feel like your marriage is tainted, make you feel like your marriage is over, make you feel like you can't get through that. But what I want to remind you is that those outside influences come into your marriage’s portal as an opportunity for y'all to grow as an opportunity for y'all to get into partnership and not allow anything to get in between the legacy that you're trying to build. You understand? Because whether that influence is a person, whether that influences money, whether that influence is, you know, I don't know, a situation that happened outside of your control, those outside influences will occur and I don't like them, but I can now see how much of an opportunity those things were in the same token as my insecurities, right? Marriage is going to expose all of your insecurities. My husband doesn't make me insecure. It's marriage that exposes my insecurities about myself. And that is an opportunity for me to really navigate things that are unresolved within myself that I thought I had taken care of decades ago, but obviously not.
Your marriage is an opportunity for there to be a mirror right in front of your face because before you got married, you were just talking to yourself. You were just talking to your group of your girls that were telling you what you wanted to hear. You were just talking to coworkers at work telling you that you were the best. But when you get married, that person wakes up with you. That person sleeps at night with you. That person is inside of you. That person touches you. That person creates life with you.
Your partner has a much different role in your life than you can ever bear to understand. They're not just your friend. They're not just your husband, your wife. There is a soul tie that is created there, which is why this relationship isn't one that you can mess up.
This isn't a quick decision. This isn't just about having financial security. This isn't just about, they'll take care of me or making sure that, you know, this person has a good family background. No, you don't have to be in a silent room for like 20 minutes with this person at some point in your life. And it's in that very moment that you'll realize, are we actually equally yoked?
You're going to have to be in a room with this person at some point, making a big ass decision that will affect the rest of your life and the rest of your family's life. Thinking about legacy. And it is in that moment where you'll realize if you married the right person or not deciding who will be your life partner isn't a quick decision. I promise you. So that's outside influence.
When I think about the things that I fear, they're very common. The two are actually dying and divorce. My husband and I have a standing joke that if I die, he won't remarry because he says it's a lot of work that he'll just have a girlfriend. And I said, I would remarry. And he was like, what? And I was like, I just, I'm a girl. Like I need help.Who's gonna help me do all these things? Like I'm gonna need like I can't just have a boyfriend He's like you're gonna have your sons and I'm like that ain't my man Like they're gonna go off and have their own family. And so I think for me I Don't think that I fear my husband dying because there'll be nobody to take care of me. I just fear my husband dying because I Just don't like death. I Don't like going to funerals with open caskets. I don't like it. I don't like anything to do with death. It makes me very uncomfortable. I've always been very uncomfortable with death ⁓ I'm really good at the mechanics of death like, you know making sure that things are done and appointed and then you know regulated and whatnot but the actual handling of death I find very difficult and so I don't just fear him dying I fear You know people around me dying.
And then to my biggest fear in marriage is divorce I fear getting divorced because I come from a long lineage of Families that are divorced everybody in my family with the exception of maybe two people And they're with each other are divorced. My parents are divorced. My grandparents are divorced on both sides My aunts are divorced. My uncles are divorced everybody's just divorced and it was very difficult for me and I When I when we started going to therapy with Dr. Carr in the 3rd year of our marriage, If I evidently brought up a lot of those fears and Dr. Carr said to me, you guys have no issues with each other, but more so unresolved issues with your own stuff. You know, he looked at my husband and said, you have father issues and looked at me he said, you still have issues with your parents divorce that you haven't gotten through. And the fear of the divorce is impacting the way that you show up and navigate your current marriage.
And so I've had to do a lot of work when it came to divorce. ⁓ and even, you know, those arguments that you have with your partner where somebody brings up divorce, those hit me hard. I've never really been that person, ⁓ that's brought up like, you know, divorce because it just, it pains me too much.
And, ⁓ yeah, listen, I think this episode wasn't meant to, you know, share, you know, what you should do in this situation. I think for me, I wanted to share with you all two episodes of things that were really on my heart that I felt like could really help you, could really help you with the things that people don't really talk about when it comes to marriage, right? And so I'll regurgitate them, which is what I love about marriage, partnership and building a legacy. What I don't like about marriage is my insecurities and outside influence. And then what I fear about marriage is dying and divorce.
And so if any of these spoke to you and you're like, Karina, me too. Send me a message, a DM on Instagram at Karina F. Daves or on TikTok at Karina F. Daves. ⁓ But I hope that this helps somebody feel like they're not alone, okay? And if any of this is, things that you're struggling with yourself and you would love to work with me, I would love to meet you. Go to my, link in my bio on Instagram, make sure you book a call and I would love to talk to you about whatever's happening and how I can help. All right, let me pray for you.
Father God, I thank you so much for your hand over us and our children and our families and just how you bring people together. I would have never had thought that I would have met my husband at 13 and later on, many years later decided to marry him. What a way that you did that. And I know that that's how you bring many of us together through moments that are very unexpected. And so in this moment, I just pray that we are open to the unexpected, that we are open to the unexpected. And I'm just gonna leave it there. I pray that many of us become open to the unexpected. I love you God. Pray all of this in your son's name, amen. Okay, I love you so much and I will see you soon. All right, bye.
