143. Marriage Has Seasons Too, Part 2
Meet the Host
Five years ago, after achieving my degrees and teaching as a professor, I was feeling proud that I had checked everything off my life list. But, I wasn’t satisfied in my marriage.
Today, I’m a relationship coach on a mission to resurrect the side of you that got lost in your marriage. Millions of people around the world soak up my content for advice on how to have a more satisfying relationship.
This is part 2 of me sharing the seasons we’ve been through in our marriage. If you haven’t listened to part 1, be sure to check that out first to hear about the seasons we went through in the early years of our marriage.
I continue the timeline in this episode, and talk about the lessons we learned along the way.
If you are going through a difficult time in your marriage I want you to find the support you need to get to a new, beautiful season.
Click the link to listen, and let me know what you think - I’d love to hear from you!
If this episode hits home and you’re ready to work with me, book a call so we can chat. On the call, you’ll share what’s going on, what you’ve tried, and I’ll share how I can help. Can’t wait to connect!
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Episode Transcript:
Karina: All right, welcome back to the Relationship Reset with part two of marriage has seasons too.
In the first part, I talked about the first, a year till about seven or eight years where we went through the annoyance season, the pruning season and whatnot. And now I want to talk a little bit about what came after that. Right. And so we're in this confidence season. We're best friends again. And then we enter uncertainty. Why? Because life will throw you a lot of crap.
And in this case, the crap that was thrown to us threw everybody in the world off, the uncertain season in our marriage was COVID. We were coming off of this high, we get to COVID and it just feels like it's a test. I remember turning to my husband and saying, this is either going to break marriages or heal them. If anything, COVID is going to expose marriages. And that's what we went through. And right after that, exactly a year, my baby sister was diagnosed with blood cancer and we teeter-tattered from uncertainty to defensive. I think that when something so personal like, you know, either a family member having cancer or even losing a family member, you are on edge. And it's not because you don't love your partner. It's because you're internally going through a very difficult battle. And I have a husband that understands that battle for some reason.
I think God has gifted him with enough grace to put up with me because I was very difficult to be married to when my baby sister had blood cancer. I wasn't the happiest. I wasn't the most relaxed. I kept a lot of stuff to myself. I wasn't as open as I usually am. I was extremely introverted and I was scared and unhappy. And the only thing Terrence could do was have grace for me. And I know it's crazy to say, but I'm surprised that man didn't leave me because I was very defensive and somehow God took us from defensive to goofy.
And what I mean by that is we then entered this like stage where all we did was joke with each other. Like I remember this moment where my husband's like, you know, it's very attractive when you just clap back. And I'm like, really? Cause I could clap back. And he's like, yeah, I want you to clap back. And it was in that moment where I was like, ⁓ I have permission to clap back. Like, whoo, get ready. Cause I'm about to clap back. Iwould clap back in such a stupid, quirky way because I don't have fast comebacks. And it was just goofy and funny and he would make fun of me. And it allowed us to enter the stage of dating again. And when we entered this dating again season, it was that moment that we realized that marriage wasn't about this like super heavy responsibility that's on your shoulders every single day. It was treating each other like you're dating constantly. You should be courting each other constantly. You should be flirting with each other constantly. You should be in that phase where, you know, you're still pursuing one another. And I remember just thinking to myself, like, you know, I was scared to have more kids at that point, because I remember that that dating culture again in our marriage really heightened our intimacy, not just sexually, but just with one another. Right. I remember that that was definitely one of the periods where touch has just remained at an all time high. And when it doesn't happen, we side eye each other, right? Like, what's the weather? You okay? You good? And that dating again season really just drove us into being so supportive of one another, which is when we started to adopt the philosophy of even if you don't understand, all of the intricacies of what your partner is trying to achieve career wise, hobby wise, whatever the case is, it does not mean you cannot support them.
And sometimes we confuse support with understanding. So when Terrance started racing, I didn't understand it, but I had to support it. When I started my podcast, my husband didn't understand the intricacies of it or what buttons to press in the same way. I don't understand his buttons to press, but he could support me. He could be there for me. And it was about communicating with one another what we needed from the other person.
And plenty of times y'all get stuck because you not only want to tell your partner what you need, but you want them to understand. And you're going to have to in a lot of situations in your marriage, be okay with them not understanding the intricacies, but at least being committed to being supportive and being there for you.
Sometimes that's all that matters. Like I don't understand his industry. He doesn't understand mine, but he has compassion and grace and support for me. And I have the same for him. And sometimes your marriage will remain so stuck because you're waiting for your husband or you're waiting for your wife to perform at a hundred percent. And the reality is that 100 % is perfectionism and the only person that is perfect is God. Not your husband and not your wife. You are going to have to adopt the habit of flexibility. Yes, it's OK to have a routine, but the reason why you have the routine is so that you can be flexible, right? The timelines and the ultimatums are there, but they have to come with grace and love and compassion, right?
Like God says that marriage should mirror the love that he has for us. And if you don't see your husband or wife as a child of God, then the only thing I can tell you right now is that you need to, no matter what they've done, no matter if you decide to stay or leave, whatever your circumstances, you have to see them in that light in order to even have a little bit of empathy, a little bit of grace, and a small amount of understanding in order to create the action plan for what y'all should be doing together.
Because if all you're doing right now in your marriage is having the kids, buying the home, making the commitments, checking things off, the only thing that you're doing is doing. You're being a human doing. You aren't being a human being. You're only having these heartfelt conversations on date nights. You're only making sure that your kids have the best outfits. You're only making sure that your house looks amazing for the holidays and that y'all host amazing events. But when you lay your head down at night to sleep, you're still going through a to-do list with one another rather than going to sneak off for their hand or their backside to connect and I don't mean sex in a way, I just mean to connect as husband and wife. If you can't see on a daily basis, the connection of husband and wife between y'all, I promise you, you're either geared up in the to-do phase of your marriage or you're in the passing ships season where y'all are just roommates. And either way, you need support.
Whether it's therapy, whether it's coaching, whether it's y'all need to let go of some things, even though right now y'all are going through a difficult season in order to transition to a new season, in order to transition to those epiphanies, in order to have some type of revelation, in order to make this season the testimony, okay? You're going to have to stop and do something different.
And recently I had a couple ask me, what did you and Terrence do? And I said, I love the guy, Dr. William Carr. He was our first therapist. Black man in his seventies loved Stevie Wonder. He saved our marriage. Coupled with our Bible study group for married couples with kids, coupled with looking up to marriages that were 10 years beyond us, coupled with the stopping of taking so much action and just being and being grounded and being okay with what we have instead of being stuck in the spirit of complaint.
Marriage is a beautiful thing, but it's going to take some ugly seasons and some ugly moments to get to that beauty. You understand? Okay, I gotta go pick up my kids. usually pray, or I gotta pray, gotta pray.
Father God, thank you so much for the gift of marriages. Thank you so much for anybody that's listening. Would you just lay a hand on their backside right now? And if they're listening to this as a couple together, remind them that they are not alone that the situation that they're going through right now is Duplicated around the world and there is somebody out there that is waiting to support them There is somebody out there that is waiting to pour into them Verbally physically whatever it is Lord. Would you send them angels of support in Jesus name? Amen.
Okay, if any of this spoke to you You gotta hit me up on Instagram or TikTok at Karina F. Daves, send me a DM or go to my website, karinafdaves.com and book a call so we can talk about how to help you, where you guys are at, and if I'm the best fit. Okay, I love you guys, bye.
