135. I Caught My Ex-Boyfriend Cheating & I Decided To Stay
Meet the Host
Five years ago, after achieving my degrees and teaching as a professor, I was feeling proud that I had checked everything off my life list. But, I wasn’t satisfied in my marriage.
Today, I’m a relationship coach on a mission to resurrect the side of you that got lost in your marriage. Millions of people around the world soak up my content for advice on how to have a more satisfying relationship.
In this episode, I tell you the story of catching my ex-boyfriend cheating on me. I share what happened, the thoughts I had at the time, and why I decided to stay in the relationship.
This ex-boyfriend is not my husband, so you already know that we eventually broke up! But I do not regret giving this ex-boyfriend another chance. I don’t even see this relationship as a failure.
This situation allowed me the opportunity to practice grace and to see warning signs. It is all a part of what made me the woman and coach that I am today.
Click the link to listen, and let me know what you think - I’d love to hear from you!
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Episode Transcript:
Karina: Amigos, welcome back to the Relationship Reset with me, your host, Karina F. Daves, marriage expert speaker and host of this dope podcast. Today's episode is called I caught my ex boyfriend cheating on me and I decided to stay. I'm going to tell you the story of how I was in what I thought a serious relationship and the things that really crossed my mind. And I think a lot of people can resonate with the story and some may say, well, you didn't have kids. You didn't have a lot of the line. I get it. But many similar things to what I was thinking about ⁓ caused me to give him another chance. And so we're going to get deeper into that. And this was actually a carousel post a couple of months ago. But this podcast episode is the extended version.
So I was 22 years old and I was in graduate school. I was pursuing my master's in social work and I had met this particular guy. Let's just call him. What should we call him? We can call him Evan. So I met Evan when I was 22 and we hit it right off. I really felt like I wanted to end up with somebody that wasn't as serious when it came to life and was sort of necessarily didn't have to be the life of the party, but could make me laugh. And we were together for probably like six months to maybe nine months at the time. And I really felt like we were just having such a good time. I mean, it was the peak of really me getting into, you know, my first serious job while also being a hall director, which was crazy and managing a staff and also getting an entire degree. And I just felt like if you could be be with me through that, you could be with me through anything.
Now, him and as an individual, he hadn't gone, he either hadn't gone to college or hadn't finished college. He was, you know, working somewhere that was temporary and really didn't really have his life together. He was living at home at the time. And I really didn't feel like those things were anything for me to judge him for. We were 22. So who wasn't getting their life together at 22? But after about six to nine months of dating, I really felt like it was important to introduce him to my family in Peru. And there was a big opportunity where we were all flying out and about to, you know, have a good time at a ⁓ party and a celebration. I just felt like, not? While we were on this trip, though, it felt like even though he had agreed to go, it was as if it finally hit him that me bringing him to meet my family was a big deal. And the trip just felt off. Like I just, it just felt something didn't feel right. And so when we came back, we both took a nap and his phone would not stop buzzing. And so while he was sleeping, I was like, you know what? This is my shot. I grabbed it. I figured out the code and I saw it all. I saw text messages to another girl telling her all of the things that he felt for me, but for her. And I was devastated and what's so interesting, and I don't know if this has happened to anybody before, but like when, when I read or even sometimes like ⁓ in an emotional state, I think my body just goes into shock and at this point, just imagine I was literally in a closet, not even a closet that locked. I was in a sliding door closet reading how much he loved her, how much he wanted to see her, how much he wanted to be with her and I was devastated. I was trying to figure out what's my next move here. I'm hiding in a closet. He should wake up soon. And then I heard someone yell, Karina, where are you? And I was like, ugh, he can't find his phone. He doesn't know where I am. And I heard him go out of my apartment and look for me and then I heard him come back and I actually was still in the closet because I had no idea what I should do. And so I stepped out, I confronted him and I remember his initial reaction being like, let me explain and he actually was begging to explain and I was like, all right, fine, fine, fine, fine. Just let me hear you out. And I think that was the first indication for me that I really had the ability to be able to listen to somebody regardless of how I felt. And the reason why I wanna magnify this part is because plenty of times your partner, especially when you're going through infidelity, will wanna explain themselves. And because you're already in this bubble of hurt, and distrust like you've already transported yourself to that. You will find it difficult to listen. And what I'm asking you to do is not to believe, but to listen. And what you're doing is thinking that because you listen, you believe and you've decided to believe that's not true. You can listen, ask follow up questions calmly. And that's your opportunity to collect evidence. Their ability to share with you information, evidence, whatever the case is, whether it's true or not, their ability to share will be dependent on your ability to stay calm and to listen. In order for you to do that, you're going to have to not think that because you're listening it automatically means that you believe them. This is such a pivotal moment right here. You understand?
So my ex starts talking about how he was having a rough time personally and how he wasn't sure what he wanted to do with his life. And he was just trying to figure himself out. And he ended it with wanting the opportunity to make it work with me. And I was like, all right, so he wants a second chance. I decided to forgive him, and I did decide to believe the fact that he wanted to work it out with me. In hindsight, I should have possibly asked other questions about where he was in his life so that we could break up sooner, because I think that in that moment, while it was extremely devastating to be betrayed, I think that I could have kept myself away from even a worse breakup if I would have asked the right questions. And I don't really think that we see these pivotal moments in our relationships as opportunities. We just see them as a chance to say who's right and who's wrong. And instead, I should have asked the question when he said I'm having a hard time in my life, I should have asked the question of like, Okay, well, why do you think that you go to her to be able to pacify the fact that you're having a hard time in your life? And he could have possibly said, because I'm trying to figure out if I should be with her or with you. And then I could have said, well, if that's the case, then I don't want you to be with me out of guilt. I want you to be with me because you think that that's what's right in your life. And if you don't have the answer to that right now, then I would say that we just end and you go be with her and you know, I'm not gonna be here waiting by the way, but you know, I think that you should figure this out. And I think that while it takes being the bigger person to have said that, I wish I would have asked the right question in that moment and then I'll cry about it later. Does that make sense?
So a few weeks later, after I decided to give him a second chance, I posted a pictures of my birthday, my birthday dinner on Facebook and I tagged him. Let me tell you, he...quickly untagged himself. And so I thought it was a glitch. And so I re-tagged him and then he untagged himself. And I was like, what is going on? 30 minutes later, he broke up with me via email. He shared with me again that the problem wasn't me, it was him. And I was devastated and he actually ended up ⁓ going on to, you know, build a family with this girl. And that's fine. I mean, they, they ended up, I don't know where they are now, but they ended up building a life together. And I don't regret giving him another chance.
And here's why I really feel like that relationship allowed me the opportunity to practice grace. It allowed me the opportunity to practice understanding and it allowed me the opportunity to put myself in the shoes of someone that vulnerably shared they were struggling and still wanted an opportunity to make it work. And so yes, I decided to put myself in the middle of his personal struggles as his partner, but nine out of 10 times who doesn't and things could have worked out differently. But I would say looking back at that relationship, at least I gave repairing a chance. At least I gave repairing our relationship an opportunity. And I never once have to wonder what if instead I'm like, well, I don't ever wonder what our relationship would have been like because I tried. I gave it another shot. I learned and my sister says this, my sister Stacey, that I would much rather live a life oh wells than what ifs.
And looking back, I don't even see the relationship as a failure. That relationship taught me the warning signs of a disconnected partner, right? Because when we had gotten to Peru, it wasn't just my gut. Like I can look back and be like, ⁓ I remember seeing him do this. I remember his ahas. I remember this and that. And so it taught me what the warning signs of a disconnected partner look like. And it also showed me my threshold for grace. I feel like that relationship was a part of the story of what made me the woman and the coach that I am today, which is also helping other people do the same without losing themselves in the process. And having worked with so many clients that, you know, are struggling with infidelity in their marriage or stepping out in their marriage. One of the biggest things that they get warped up on are having these long winded conversations where they're talking about how hurt they are, which is completely valid, but they're not talking enough about how they got there. And that's exactly the work that I wanna do with you. So if right now this episode resonates with you, we need to work together, okay? Whether it's infidelity, whether it's this connection, whatever the case is, I wanna help you figure out how to create a version of your life story that you can look back on and ⁓ be proud of. Be proud of that you either gave it a shot or you stand firm on your values. Okay, let me pray for you.
Father. God. I thank you so much for this day and Before I record this episode. We talked a little bit about opportunity and I thank you for the opportunity and so in this moment I just thank you for the opportunity that many of us are given to have and be in relationships whether that be Family relationships, whether it be that romantic relationships. I just thank you for the opportunity to be in relationships because it's only through relationships that we grow. Like it's only through relationships that we gain community. It's only through relationships that we learn when we are siloed, which is not what you want for us. We don't learn much. We may learn more mechanical things, more, you know, how to do certain things, but we don't know how to be with one another, which is the true essence of being alive. And so I thank you for that opportunity. All right. Amen. I love you so much.
If you resonated with this episode or this podcast, make sure you save it, share it with all of your amigos. Email me at team@KarinaFDaves.com and let me know what your feedback is. I would love to hear from you or send me a DM on any of my socials at Karina F as in Frank Daves on Instagram or Tik Tok. My name is Karina F. Daves. I am a marriage expert, the relationship host of this dope podcast and speaker. All right. Love you so much. Bye.
