Finding His Voice in an Open Marriage
Client: Paul
Relationship Status: Married to Miranda, in a non-traditional open marriage
Type of Infidelity: Lack of communication and emotional disregard in an open relationship
The Challenge
Paul came to me feeling invisible in his own marriage. On the surface, he had agreed to an open relationship with his wife, Miranda—a dynamic she had initiated and seemed to thrive in. But behind the scenes, Paul was emotionally drowning.
When Miranda began seeing someone new and made choices without communicating with him—skipping check-ins, ignoring their agreements, and making him feel completely shut out—Paul felt deeply betrayed. The issue wasn’t the openness itself. It was the absence of respect, communication, and care.
The hardest part? Paul didn’t even feel entitled to his hurt. He believed that since he agreed to this structure, he had forfeited the right to speak up. He wasn’t sure if he was allowed to feel what he was feeling.
The Turning Point: How He Began to H.E.A.L.
H - Hear What Really Happened
In our early sessions, Paul admitted something that changed everything: he had agreed to the open marriage more out of fear of losing Miranda than genuine interest. He wanted to be chosen, so he said yes—even though his spirit was screaming no.
We took time to map out the emotional disconnection leading up to Miranda stepping out. It became clear that the betrayal wasn’t just about her relationship with someone else—it was about the slow and quiet way Paul had disappeared inside his own marriage.
We created a space for him to acknowledge the resentment he had buried and the moments of silence that had built up over time. Once he began to name what really happened, the confusion and self-blame began to fade.
Breakthrough: Paul stopped thinking he was overreacting and started validating his own experience. His internal spiral gave way to clarity, and for the first time in months, he felt like his feelings made sense.
E - Establish Accountability
Even though Miranda wasn’t part of our sessions, I helped Paul shift the dynamic by teaching him how to advocate for himself in their relationship. He didn’t need Miranda in the room to start showing up differently.
We created scripts and communication strategies that helped him express how her choices had hurt him—without attacking her, but also without minimizing himself. We worked on identifying moments when he was about to shut down or accommodate just to keep the peace, and I helped him practice saying hard things with calm and strength.
Paul also began setting boundaries—not ultimatums, but clear emotional and relational limits. If they were going to stay open, it had to be mutual, respectful, and honest.
Breakthrough: Paul stopped waiting for Miranda to read his mind. He took emotional leadership, not to control the relationship—but to finally show up in it.
A - Align on His New Normal
Paul knew he didn’t want to end the marriage, but he also knew he couldn’t keep living in it the same way. So we worked together to define what his “new normal” needed to look like.
That meant clarity: clarity in expectations, clarity in communication, clarity in his own emotional needs. Paul started implementing weekly check-ins with Miranda, requesting transparency before plans were made—not after.
He also started showing up differently at home. Less withdrawn. More expressive. He stopped fearing that disagreement would drive her away and started seeing that honesty was the only way they could move forward.
Breakthrough: The power dynamic in the marriage began to shift. Paul was no longer following behind—he was walking beside her. And that changed everything.
L - Let’s Be Partners Again
This is where the energy of the marriage began to shift—not through big dramatic changes, but in the quiet moments where Paul felt seen again.
They created rituals—like Friday night debriefs and Sunday morning walks—that helped them reconnect. Miranda began to ask how he was feeling before making big decisions. And for the first time, Paul felt like a partner with a voice, not just someone going along for the ride.
As the emotional safety grew, so did the ease in their parenting, their intimacy, and their communication. The emotional gap that once felt insurmountable began to close—because Paul was finally being himself in the marriage.
Breakthrough: Paul didn’t have to leave the marriage to find his voice. He just had to believe it was worth hearing. And once Miranda saw that version of him—the grounded, honest, emotionally present version—she began showing up differently too.
The Results
Paul didn’t end the marriage. But he did completely shift how he showed up in it.
He went from feeling silenced to speaking with confidence. From holding back to setting clear emotional boundaries. From resenting Miranda to being able to communicate with her—clearly, consistently, and without fear.
They didn’t shut down their open marriage entirely—but they did slow it down. Miranda began checking in more regularly—not out of obligation, but because she finally understood how deeply Paul needed to feel emotionally safe.
And as the emotional tension cleared, their parenting improved. Their communication softened. And they both began to show up in the marriage with more clarity, intention, and peace.
