89. Being the Breadwinner Series Pt. 1: How To Stop Arguing About the Bills
Meet the Host
Five years ago, after achieving my degrees and teaching as a professor, I was feeling proud that I had checked everything off my life list. But, I wasn’t satisfied in my marriage.
Today, I’m a relationship coach on a mission to resurrect the side of you that got lost in your relationship and responsibilities teaching you how to stop arguing and have more sex. Millions of people around the world soak up my content for advice on how to have a more satisfying relationship.
Welcome to our brand new series Being the Breadwinner! In this series, we’ll be addressing some relationship problems that can come up when you become the breadwinner of your family. This week, we’re going to talk about how to stop arguing about the bills.
Arguing about bills can be a sign that you are not aligned on your money values as a couple. And because you’re not aligned, you’re arguing about how to spend your money without having a why or a how for your money.
Check out this week's episode to hear how you can realign your money values and how I guide my clients through conversations about money.
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Episode Transcript:
Karina: Amigos, como estan? Welcome back to Relationships You Understand with your host, me, Karina F. Daves, relationship expert, speaker, and podcast host of this dope podcast. Today we are kicking off a series called Being the Breadwinner. Where I'm going to walk you through a four part series on the four different issues that you are going to encounter when you become the breadwinner.
Today, we're talking specifically about the bills. Now, I have never in the three years that I've recorded my podcast ever, ever, ever read from a However, there are so many details that I want to share with you About becoming the breadwinner that I did write some things down and I want to read through them to you Okay, so we're just going to get right into it um two years ago I became the breadwinner and it changed my marriage for the better.
Over the next four weeks, I want to share with you all how my husband and I became the closest of friends through this very new transition. For context, I will share with you that we both decided that I would become the breadwinner in 2022 when I landed a position in tech that increased my salary and required my husband to step away from his 10 year career in the car industry.
He left his career. And started working a job that cut his salary in half and allowed him to have flexible hours working seven to three, three 30 in the afternoon. Whereas my position in tech required me to travel, have very long hours and be home, be away from home for long periods of time. So this series being the breadwinner is going to highlight the top four things that we had to overcome while in this transition.
And it is honestly my hope that it helps you during your transition if this is you and you're listening to this podcast wherever you are. Okay, so I'm going to first give you some, um, the story of how all of this started. And while this episode is particularly talking about the money aspect, being the breadwinner and how to stop arguing about the bills, I can't coach or advise you or give you advice on that part without first giving you the story.
So here goes. Forbes recently cited that 38 percent of marriages end in divorce because of money. Terrence and I were 20 something year olds that were broke when we got married. Let me just say that again. Terrence and I were 20 something year old. That were broke when we got married, so I recognize that that I recognize that financial values and strategies for every single couple is different, especially when you have 20 something broke year olds and versus 35 year olds or 40 year olds that have Done a lot of really hard work to climb the corporate ladder or have a huge investment portfolio and have worked their butts off But the key here to this entire series of this entire episode is Values when Terrence and I got married because we were so broke We decided to combine our finances because it made the most sense for us when we got married Especially during this period, what a lot of people don't know is that Terrence actually made more money than me when we got together.
Now, I was super pissed off about this because I had gone to school for seven years, alright? I had my undergrad and then I have a master's in social work. And I had worked as a teacher. my butt off and then to, you know, get married to somebody that made way more money than I did. And I went to school for seven years.
It's like, wow, like it was just such a shocker to me. I didn't never thought that that could happen, but I was extremely naive. So during that period, we had an account where all of our money went to, we had an account where All of that money in that account went to pay for bills. Then we had an account that had a percentage for our savings.
And then we had another percentage of an account that was for fun. So date nights, vacations, et cetera. Um, at year about, I want to say seven or eight, um, Terrence and I were neck and neck in our salaries and a year before this I had shared with him that God had given me a vision that I would soon Land a job that would combine both of our salaries and would allow him to retire from the car industry So let me set this up because I actually don't like reading it.
So we were Um, I'm mixing up the years right now. I'm, I'm gonna guess it's between year seven and nine where God gave me this dream that I was going to make both of our salaries combined. And I remember thinking to myself, like, that is super weird. I remember seeing the number. I remember waking up. And feeling like we have to go somewhere.
And so I said to him, you know, I really think that this is something that could possibly happen. How could we best set up our lives? And even like, are the emotional state of our, our bodies to be prepared for this? I said, would this be something that you would be down for us doing? Because it's a decision that we would have to make together.
Now, I don't know if you have a partner like this, but my husband really doesn't like entertaining. Too many what if scenarios. So every single time I pitch a what, what if scenario, I have to pitch it lightly. Not as if it's like super urgent and it's going to happen tomorrow. So I'm pitching it to him and I'm telling him like, Hey, listen, I just had this dream and it was super interesting where like I was the head of household and like you were able to retire from the car industry.
And like, I don't know what any of this means. So my husband's like, actually, yeah, like I am super tired. Um, my body is weighing on me. I'm in my early thirties and I feel like I'm 50 already. And it would be nice to not have to be in this industry anymore. And I was like, okay, well, would you be comfortable if like, I made more money than you?
And he was like, absolutely. Like, that is not a problem for me because at this point, as I just shared with y'all, all of our finances were together. Okay. And so immediately his answer was yes, and I remember thinking to myself like, okay There should be no problem with that. So later on. Um, Terrence goes to Uh, I forget like a couple weeks later.
He then has a dream that we should move to texas And I was like, are you sure like are you sure that we should move to texas? Because it's also next to oklahoma city, which is one of the biggest like drag racing communities You And so he's like, yeah, yeah, we should go. So we end up going to Texas. We ended up interviewing for jobs and he lands a job, but I don't.
So we come back and I remember thinking like, God, like, why would you send us all the way to Texas? And I remember God saying, just wait, I have more. And all of these stories will make sense. But there were huge revelations in our marriage about how to be better stewards of our money and better stewards of the blessing that God was sending us, right?
Like this home that we're in. And so as we're sort of like navigating our careers, I'm still thinking about this dream, right? And at this point I end up applying to over 200 jobs because I was trying to get ahead of God vision. And that's always been my problem where God will send me a vision and I will try to get ahead of it as opposed to just taking the vision and living and believing that it will eventually come true.
And so, um, anyways, we both agreed that if this vision came true, he would leave his career to transition to a flexible job that would allow him to take care of our family while I would commit to this new career transition. I want to share that we had such a high amount of what if conversations, and I just shared with you that my husband doesn't like having them, but for this particular topic, because it was related to a vision that God gave us, We had such a high amount of conversations of how money would work.
We agreed that since all of our money was already together, that we would then continue just, we would then continue things this way. And when I landed, This tech job, Terrence actually transitioned to a position that cut his salary in half, and he then became the person that was in charge of maintaining the home.
Um, the main person that would be with our children most of the time, like he became the go to. And now I want to stop here and get off the script and share that the reason why that part Was very seamless for us. So excluding the money part was that in the beginning of our marriage terrence asked if We could Basically support as a family support him in his drag racing dreams And he wanted to build a race car and that would require him a lot of nights and weekends And so for about three to four years Um, maybe even five He worked a lot of late nights and weekends and I was primarily the one picking up and dropping off our kids.
I had, um, you know, our stepdaughters at the time. I was the main one on the weekends doing kids events. I was the main person meal prepping. I was the main person just handling the maintenance of our house. And I think for me, if I'm being honest with you, it's very difficult to support your partner's dream when you don't know what you want.
When you don't know what dreams you have, and it takes such a big heart posture of surrender, and it takes putting away the spirit of jealousy, or at least navigating the spirit of jealousy, and understanding that your partner is a person that is motivated and that is asking you for your support. And it doesn't mean that you have to understand what they're doing.
But essentially support them in the way that they need and in hopes that when it's your turn to then follow through on your dreams, that they will do the same, right? Like that's the commitment that y'all make to each other. And so the reason why the transition was so seamless in our household was not only because we had all these money conversations, but also because we had proof.
That and we had not just like proof and evidence, but we had a habit where we supported each other. And so when it came time to support me, my husband had no problem pulling up his sleeves and doing his thing. Like there was no conversations of gender roles and like, I'm the man of the house and I'm the guy like none of that actually happens when it can't, when it comes to taking care of our kids.
And it never has. And my hope is that it never will. So during this transition, it, we made it, we made the change extremely seamless. We barely argued we didn't take weeks to make the decision We didn't even ask all of our friends just to make sure we were fine We made this decision as a team and it didn't separate us.
It actually made us better What I want you to understand is like the reason why we didn't argue about the bills or me becoming the breadwinner is because we had Very similar values and i've shared this story before that We may not have argued about me becoming the breadwinner, but um, Business Insider actually did a whole article on this and the title is extremely clickbait.
It's called, My Husband Was Jealous of Me and I Make Four Times More Than Him. And if you read through the article and get past the raunchy title, You're able to actually read through the very beautiful story of how my husband ends up going Voluntarily to therapy to deal with some of the feelings that he's having from not being the head of household anymore from having this feeling of wanting to provide and Feeling like he's in competition with me and being jealous of where I am and through therapy He discovers that he was actually seeing me as an opponent rather than a teammate And it's a really beautiful story of two people coming together and realizing that like I cannot fix his emotions I cannot fix his feelings, but I can be there to support him and then he takes responsibility and accountability For his feelings and understanding that like this isn't a problem for my wife to fix and I also can't take it out on her So what resources are at my?
Fingertips that I can utilize to make an impact in our marriage for the better You And I think that that was extremely mature of him and extremely mature of me and just extremely mature of our marriage. And it says a lot about where we were. And again, like we were 25-year-olds getting married. I mean, I don't know where you were in your life at 25.
And while yes, I may have been mature enough to pay the bills and know to get to work, um, and you know, have a car and all these other things and pay bills. I don't think that At 25 year old, at 25 year old, we were like extremely wise and extremely mature to get married. You know, I know this is a different story, but Terrence and I got married four months after dating.
And we met, we did meet in high school and we tried to date a couple of times when I was in college. And when we decided to get married, we were like, It was fundamentally in the belief that we were feeling like God was really calling us to be together. And then we decided to do it. And now 12 years later, here we are sharing our testimony.
And I feel like I'm trying not to cry, but like, that's just such a beautiful testimony of the way God works and his love. So back to this episode about being the breadwinner and, uh, the different issues that happen when you become the breadwinner, one of the first ones being money, right? And so my advice to you right now is that if you're listening to this episode and that you are the sole breadwinner and Y'all made the decision for this to happen or maybe you didn't and you want to stop arguing about the bills I want you to understand that you need to start discussing your actual money values You're spending a significant amount of time arguing about how to spend your money without having a why or a how for your money Let me repeat that Right now you are spending a significant amount of time arguing about how to spend your money without having a why or a how for your money.
And so what I want you and your partner to ask yourselves, if right now you are arguing about the bills, if you are the breadwinner is I want you to start asking each other, what are your money values? What do you think is okay to spend money on? And what you don't think it's okay to spend money on. How did you watch money being spent growing up?
Now, if I'm the breadwinner, does that mean that I also control the money in the household? Is your belief that we own this money? Or is This just one person's money in order for you and your partners to stop arguing about the bills You need to first be able to communicate about your beliefs Your strategies and your values around money and spending it There is no way that you and your partner will ever be on the same page If you do not start to have these open conversations about money about your values of money about how You intend money should be spent and about your beliefs about money.
That is fundamentally not just about money, but about everything else. How you will navigate your conversation is based on your values in and beliefs. The reason why you and your partner are arguing about money and the bills right now is because you are not meeting eye to eye about what your fundamental beliefs about money are.
And this is exactly what I've helped many of my clients coach through in my private one on one coaching program where they just spin out cycling about money and not really understanding like, you know, um, each other's purchases or shaming each other or judging each other. And the holes that I see in people's marriage is that they become over consumed and stressed about things like, you know, debt or, you know, expenses or the kids camp that's coming up this summer, and they don't end up working as a team.
And the reason why you don't end up working as a team is because fundamentally, you haven't spent the time rediscovering your values. And in my private one on one coaching program, I've helped my clients really rediscover their money values, figure out the exact communication strategies it's going to take to actually communicate with comprehension about each other's values.
thoughts and beliefs rather than, you know, basically going for the jugular and then figuring out how you can show up as a unified front and as a team rather than two separate opponents no matter who's making the money. You understand? This is exactly what I want to help you do. And if you're listening to this episode and this is you, I want you to go to my website I want to help you and your partner overcome your money, your money thoughts and stop arguing about money.
You don't need to be in this area right now. So I hope that this story really resonated with you. As you know, my podcast episodes are super short. Um, and again, this was the very first time and for this series only, I will be reading off of a script, but I tended to go a little bit off, which is fine. And I've never done that before, which it seems kind of weird to read a script, but to those that do read a script.
All the glory. I understand. It's fine. I'm not judging you. It's just kind of weird for me since I'm kind of like an off the rim type of girl. Anyways, if you've enjoyed this podcast episode, I want you to go to Apple iTunes or Spotify. Make sure you subscribe to it. Make sure you leave me a review and share it with all of your amigos.
If you have not signed up for my spicy emails yet, please go to either my website or where I primarily live on Instagram or TikTok and share your email with my newsletter, Release Your Relationship, where I share weekly gems on how to release your relationship. Okay, now, this is for the spicy part, which is at the end of every single episode, I will be sharing a question that you can DM me, you can leave it in my comments, you can email me at team at kareenafdaves.
com, send a smoke signal, whatever it is. So, here goes. I recently made a reel about why showing up as the fixer in your relationship is harmful. And the question that I got is, what happens When the fixing needed to needed has to do with the lack of emotional regulation that destroys important conversations So good So this person basically watched my reel where I shared how much showing up as the fixer in your relationship Is robbing your partner of the opportunity?
To create the habit that you want them to create because you just keep stepping in for them And this person says Well, what happens when the fixing that actually needs to be done has more to do with their emotional regulation rather than fixing things for them because them not being emotionally regulated is destroying important conversations that is still not for you to fix.
You are not in charge of fixing your partner's inability to emotionally regulate themselves. Like that is the job of a parent. I help my son, Levi, who's four and my son, Terrence, who's nine, I help them emotionally regulate because they're my kids. They're my responsibility. I rarely help my spouse emotionally regulate.
If anything, I say, do you need a minute? I say things like, did I say something triggering like things of that nature, but I don't walk him through emotionally regulating himself because that is on. And I think for this question, it's so important to understand that still trying to fix your partner's emotional regulation is still a form of fixing, because at the end of the day, even though this person says, well, their lack of emotional regulation destroys important conversations.
Okay, well, then what you're realizing is that you're with somebody that has the inability to have important conversations. Literally, that's what's happening. You're with someone that has the inability to have important conversations, and where can that be their problem and not yours? And where can you start to ask yourself how possibly communicating and having the ability to get through important conversations?
How can that be your value and it be okay that they don't meet those standards? And the next question you want to ask yourself is, am I willing, like, what is my standard of this value? And am I willing to remain in this relationship even though they're Personality goes against the very thing that I value.
Do you see how I know it sounds like it's hard, but do you see how simple it is to figure out if a person is for you or not? When you break it down against your values, you're clearly able to see what it is that you want and how you want it. And you're able to separate the person, the emotion and the love and understand that this person may just not be a good fit when it's matched against your values.
You understand? Anyways. Okay. Um, I hope that this helped. Let me pray for you and then close out. So father god, I thank you so much for this day. I thank you that you allowed us to be together Um, I thank you for the listeners that will listen after this and I hope that it resonates with somebody today I hope that i'm speaking to somebody today That's getting ready to make some decisions in their relationships or that even if they're in a similar situation of becoming the red winner I really hope that this episode helps him lord I ask that you give us a discernment necessary in order to decide what it is that you want for our lives and what it Is that needs to be rooted out?
I ask that you give us grace and patience or at least opportunities for grace and opportunities for patience so that we can start to learn where it is that we may just be falling short on. I ask this and in Jesus name. Amen. Okay. I hope that helped again. My name is Karina F days. I'm a relationship expert.
speaker and the podcast host of this dope podcast relationships you understand if you've enjoyed this episode make sure you subscribe to it leave me a review and share it with all of your amigos okay i primarily live on instagram and tiktok make sure you go over there enjoy my free content this free podcast sign up for my newsletter which is also free there is so much free good value in this that i hope you're taking advantage of okay I love you so much.
I'm going to bed. Um, make sure you email me or leave me any, um, questions that you have about your relationship in the dms. Okay? Ciao.
