81. How to Be Ok When Your Partner is Not Ok

Meet the Host

Five years ago, after achieving my degrees and teaching as a professor, I was feeling proud that I had checked everything off my life list. But, I wasn’t satisfied in my marriage.

Today, I’m a relationship coach on a mission to resurrect the side of you that got lost in your relationship and responsibilities teaching you how to stop arguing and have more sex. Millions of people around the world soak up my content for advice on how to have a more satisfying relationship.

In this week’s episode, we talk about how to be ok when your partner is not ok. 

It can be incredibly stressful to know that your partner is having a hard time. But it’s also important to remember that your partner is not a problem to be solved. You don’t have to “fix” them every time your partner has an issue. 

Many of my clients have a hard time letting go of the fixer role and giving their partners the space to solve their own problems. That’s why in this week's episode, I’m going to share with you how I would guide my clients during this stressful time. 

Click the link to listen below and email me back with your thoughts, I want to hear from you!

If this episode resonated with you and you're ready to work with me during this season of your life, then I invite you to book a sales call below. 

During the sales call, you will share what is going on in your life, what you have tried so far, and how I can help. I can't wait to meet you, chica.

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Episode Transcript:

Karina: Welcome back to relationships. You understand with me, your host, Karina F. Dave's a relationship expert and podcast host of this dope podcast. Today, we're going to talk about breaking up and not making up and why that's. So difficult for you. I'm coming to you live from Alcaldesa in Mexico City. I'm here for the weekend to support one of my very close girlfriends.

That's putting on a conference for the people in her mastermind group program. So just a couple of days here in Mexico City with my girls and uh, I'm here to record this podcast. So let's get right to it. As you know, all of these podcasts are. Anywhere between 15 to 30 minutes because I don't have time and you don't have time to be here for longer than that.

Okay. And I just want to say thank you for coming back for another episode as we talk about breaking up and never making up. So here's the thing, the reason why it's so difficult for us to break up and never make up with our partners and, you know, Be in this grieving process of the relationship for so long is for a couple of reasons.

Okay. Numero uno, it's the promises. I want you to understand that. Certain promises were made to each other in the relationship, whether that was to buy property, whether that was to have a family, whether that was to move away across the country, whether that was to Purchase something huge. There were promises that were made in this relationship.

And the reason why you're having such a hard time breaking up and not making up in this relationship is because you are attached to the promises that were made. You understand? The second reason why it's so difficult for you to not make up is because there was a routine when we have been with one person for a really long time, whether that's a year, whether that's five years, whether that's 15 years, there is a routine and a habit.

that is formed with that person, right? You may wake up next to that person for five years of your life. You may be used to eating with that person every single day. You may be used to that phone call where you get out of work and you let them know that you're on your way home. That is a routine that you both built.

And plenty of times it's very difficult for people to break up and not get back together because they miss the fact that they no longer have. this routine in place. You understand? And the third reason why it's so difficult for us to grieve the relationship and move forward is because you just spent all this time learning this person.

And what I mean by that is you have started to tell yourself that this relationship was a big waste of time. That you spent a lot of time getting to know yourself in this relationship, getting to know the person in this relationship. And it just feels like all the work that you've put into this relationship was just for nothing, was just for a waste of time, was just an irrelevant part of your life that you wish never happened.

That is where your thoughts will take you about this breakup and what many couples will do. Before I tell you how to solve this, I'm going to tell you what couples will do to solve their breakup issue is that one, they will take a break from each other to try to figure things out. And that means like no contact at all, or two, they will live in limbo and never claim their relationship.

And they will live in limbo for months, years. And what I mean by that is that nobody knows. If they want to be with the other person and so you just live in limbo, and this is a dangerous space to live in your relationship that's actually not really a relationship. This is a situation ship at this point you, you don't have the authority anymore to call it a relationship, you understand it's not is to people being indecisive about whether or not they actually want to be together.

Right. No matter how much time has passed and you will live in this limbo. I mean, we talking about people will even have kids in this limbo. People will attend each other's, you know, events during this limbo and then get upset that They don't claim each other. You can't get upset about a relationship that's on a break when that's the point of the break is it's unclaimed.

It's an unclaimed relationship. You understand? Okay, let me scale it back for a second. So, When you are having difficulty breaking up and not making up, and you're feeling like all these promises were made to you, you're feeling like you're missing out on the routine, you're feeling like this relationship was such a waste of time, instead, what I want you to do, instead of seeing the relationship as such a waste of time and a big fat ass loss, a failure, an F up, I want you I want you instead to see the relationship for the lessons that you learned.

When you are able to see the lessons in the relationship, you will stop feeling like an F up. Okay. You will stop feeling. So attached to the promises that you feel this person gave you, when you start looking at the lessons, you finally become detached from the relationship and can look at the lessons and say to yourself, okay, you know what, at the end of the day, I'm not a fuck up.

I'm not. I'm a good person and I gave it my best shot. When you see the lessons in the relationship, you stop seeing your life as a failure and you start embracing your new routine. You ever think back to something tragic happen in your life and everybody in some way, shape or form can remember the first.

normal day that they had after that tragedy. It feels different. It feels like there's a shift in the atmosphere. It feels like I finally can win, right? What that is, is you looking at the lessons rather than the failure at the lessons rather than the tragedy. That's the mental shift that needs to happen here so that you can stop looking at this relationship as the biggest failure of your life.

when you see the lessons of the relationship, you stop seeing this relationship as a waste of time and you start embracing the fact. That this person was meant to be in your life. Let me repeat that. When you see the lessons in this relationship that is no longer in place, you begin to embrace the fact that this person was meant to be in your life.

You start realizing that they had a reason to be in your life and they were also there for a season and what happens in seasons is that they also have an expiration date. What if I told you that this relationship was meant to happen for you, but that it's, it's expiration date has now arrived?

Have you thought about that? Have you thought about the fact that there were so many lessons that you learn not only about a person that you want and don't want, but there's so many things that you learned about yourself. You learned how to advocate for yourself. You learned what you desire and what you don't desire, you learn that you actually do want to have kids, you learn that moving across country is really important to you, you learn that Moving up in the corporate ladder is very important to you.

You learn that starting a new business is important to you. You learned so much, not just about this person, but about yourself, which is why when you start focusing on the fact that this relationship was a waste of time, you can start seeing the lessons in the relationship and begin having the mindset that you can breathe now.

You can breathe and move on now. You understand as a relationship coach. I see this so often with my clients that have a difficult time with breakups. And, you know, I think when we think of breakups, we tend to think of just boyfriends and girlfriends, but there's also a lot of divorces, right? That happened.

And I've worked with several clients that go through divorce and I'm going to tell you a little bit about what I tell them as a coach. My very first piece of advice to you when you break up with someone when you're getting ready to divorce someone, is to forgive them. And I know what you're thinking, that's wild.

You don't know what they did. I hear you. I didn't say you had to forgive them now, but what I am saying to you is that forgiveness is one of the main things that it's going to catapult you into the next season, into the stride that you need to move on. You understand? And I want to help you in this season of your life with this breakup that has been happening for a very long time, and it does not need to go on this long.

I want to help you look at the promises that were made to you by your ex-partner and realize that you don't have to look at them as a failure, but more so see them as lessons. I want to help you in this season of your life. Look back at the routine that you have with your partner and realize that you weren't an idiot for staying around as long as you were, that you no longer need to be attached to those promises because you're looking at the lessons.

You understand? I want to help you in this season, realize that this relationship was not a waste of time and that God has a bigger, much bigger purpose for you and that it's okay that this relationship reached its expiration date. You understand? Okay. Listen, I hope that helps somebody if you're ready to do this work with me, I want to help you go to link in my bio and book a sales call so we can talk about everything that's happened so far, what you've tried and how I can help.

I want to work with you for the next three months to figure out how to get you out of this. Base where you're so attached to the promises of this relationship where you're constantly seeing yourself as a failure and where you're so attached to the fact that this relationship is a waste was a waste of your time and instead allow you to see that it happened for a reason and help you navigate those emotions so that you stop feeling the way that you do about this relationship and can finally grasp some air and come up, you understand?

Go to link in my bio and book a sales call. Also, if you love this podcast, make sure that you subscribe to it and you can go to the link, my bio, and also subscribe to my newsletter called Release Your Relationship, where I share weekly gems on how to surrender your partner. Um, and also please, if you love this podcast, make sure that you're sharing it with all of your amigos and that you are leaving me a review.

Okay. Can I pray for you now? I'm going to pray for you. All right, here we go. Father God, I thank you so much for this day for bringing us together in this moment. I know that this message is for somebody right now that is going through a very difficult time with, uh, a person that is no longer in their life.

I know that our brain comes up with so many ideas as we fantasize our future and we fantasize our future with this individual in mind and breaking up. Is difficult to do and the fact that we didn't get back together hurts many of us And so lord I ask in this moment that you would seep into these people's hearts that need you And allow them to understand that the person that you want them to lean on is not the attachment of this relationship But jesus you want them to lean on you You want them to call your name you want them to lean on the confidence that you instilled in them you want them to lean on the Resilience that you installed in them You want them to lean on who you've built, and you want them to lean on you.

Father God, I ask in this moment that you give a lot of compassion to the people that are spinning themselves in circles about their breakups. That you allow them to see where the light exists in this horrible situation that they feel is so bad and is like never going to get better. Allow them to see the light, Father God.

I also ask that you continue to keep our family safe, our children safe, our finances safe, our travel safe, our health safe. Safe, you know, we're going through a flu season and a whole bunch of stomach bugs and everything else that happens father God, I ask that you heal our bodies in this very moment and send us the necessary Resources that we must put into our bodies to feel better Lord.

Would you protect our travels protect our brains protect our? We're going to be talking about how to protect our thoughts and most importantly, protect our heart posture because if it's one thing that breakups do to our heart is that it makes us feel things that we don't want to feel. It makes us become people that we never intended to become.

And I asked in this moment that you would just protect our heart posture. We love you so much Jesus and your heavenly Father name we pray. Amen. Okay. Thank you so much for coming back to another episode Relationships. You understand? with me, your host, Karina F days, relationship coach, an expert, and I can't wait to see you next week.

And I just, I just love you. I love you so much. And I want you to know that when people say you need to do the work, they're not trying to put you down. And they're not trying to say that you never did the work. There is just different work that is required for different issues. And I want to help you do that different work.

You understand? Okay. I love you so much. Have a wonderful night. All right. Ciao.